awkward

I'm taking a break from cleaning to check in here and pass along some updates, and elaborate a little more on where I am and what I'm doing.

I now live in a beautiful loft apartment, converted to three bedrooms. We have 12 foot ceilings with two big windows that let in lots of natural light. The main living space is a big connected room with the kitchen and living spaces all combined Our television is actually a high definition projector shown on to about six and a half feet of wall. Watching movies is a thrilling experience, right from the comfort of home. It is already an assumed fact that we will be hosting the big viewing parties for the Oscars, Tonys, and whatever other awesome events taking place at any given time. I have no problem with that, I enjoy hosting people at my home.

It's also very, very dry. As such, any dust in the air clunks right to the ground. It's hard to keep the place clean because as soon as it's clean, another coating of dust covers everything within a day. The dryness wreaks havoc on my respiratory system and the past several mornings I've hurked up giant balls of phlegm after waking up. I have a humidifier now and I'm going to try that out tonight to see if there's any difference. There are three cats in the space. One of them has an odd quirk where instead of pissing in the litter box, he'll piss on the mat in front (there to keep kitties from tracking litter everywhere). If the mat is removed -- he won't pee there. He'll use the box. But then there's bits of litter all over the place. The long and short is -- it all requires a great deal of maintenance or the joint will reek of cat pee very quickly. Despite all that, though, I love the place, I adore my roommates, and home life is quite nice.

On to work and money... when last I checked in, I had accepted an offer from Company A. I spent several days after that second guessing myself until I started working. Those worries were somewhat founded when I realized that the job I would be doing wasn't exactly the job I had been pitched, the HR and benefits packages were actually somewhat restrictive rather than beneficial, and the systems and operational procedures were woefully out of date with no one particularly interested or motivated to correct them. It's a company that has a comparatively low bottom line -- so if a profit is being turned, everything's fine in their eyes. Nothing to correct, no need to evolve!

Ouch. I've just spent four years with a company that had the same philosophy, and they wound up bankrupt and had to sell themselves at a pretty cut rate. (their new ownership appears to really understand the industry, and good changes are being made at a quick pace...) Still, I'm trying not to judge too quickly. To be safe, I'm trying to keep the lines of communication open with the old company so if something comes up I can transfer back, but I'm never one to shy from a challenge!

Thing is -- I'm not sure what that challenge is yet. I was plunked in a temporary situation where they had a staffing crisis (one fired, one on vacation, one on a family emergency). That crisis has since evened out and now... I don't know where I'm supposed to be. I've asked. They don't know. They can't get their stuff together, and in the meantime I'm just floating around, trying to be productive and take up projects... but there's a pretty pronounced lack of direction here. I think I've made an error in judgment, but I'm trying to make the best of it I can.

The added bonus: I'm off unemployment, but the first paycheck doesn't arrive until the 21st. My funds are getting pretty low. I'll make it, but only just. I've had to continue lying low in the interim, having to put off plans for fun nights out with people I haven't seen in ages. But, as they might say in Avenue Q, it's only for now. I'll be back on the saddle in no time! Despite the challenges and roadblocks along the way... life is good.

score!

The long and short of this entry is that by the end of this week, I will be employed again.

After a week of moving in, organizing, cleaning up and getting settled, I started pursuing my leads. I started by contacting my phone interview from July to let her know I had finally arrived and was ready to pursue Company A. She pulled me in for an interview Thursday, which went very well, and set up a second interview with their VP of Operations to take place today.

Friday, I got a call from the company (B) that laid me off two weeks ago. They want me back. In New York. I set up a meeting for this morning, taking place prior to my second interview.

So this morning, I woke up brightish and earlyish (for me) and as I'm getting ready to head downtown, my phone chirps with a new email. My second interview has been canceled. I was a little crestfallen, until I read the second paragraph:

"I want to go ahead and extend you an offer to bring you on board. Let's meet Wednesday and hammer it out."

I already knew the ballpark salary figures I was looking at for Company A, so I decided to go into the interview with Company B and use that as leverage. I saw where I'd be for Company B, met the staff I'd be working with... I asked about the more HR oriented things I would require to come back on board, and each one was agreed to. The working conditions were perfect. An offer was made.

The offer... was not good. In fact, kind of lousy. Liveable, sure. Workable. And a lot of freedom and flexibility. But kind of a slap, considering the skillset I bring to the table, the consistent and reliable performance I've turned in for the last four years. I need a better acknowledgment before I jump right back into that mess. I asked for a day to mull it over.

I called Company A, explained I had another offer on the table and asked to meet that day instead of Wednesday to get the details of the offer. She obliged and told me to come up right then.

Company A's compensation plan worries me a little. The base is barely better than unemployment. The difference, however, is made up through a variety of commissions and bonuses, and when all added together, with all cylinders firing, it totals considerably better than Company B's offer.

Back to Company B. I told them the one sticking point on this is the compensation package -- it was not sufficient considering my abilities and the increased cost of living between Atlanta and New York. I added $2K to my desired rate to give them room to negotiate back to it. They're crunching numbers now to see if they can make it happen, and will be back to me with a counter offer tonight or tomorrow morning. If they can meet me, I'll come back to Company B. If not, I land squarely at Company A.

Either way, WIN.

It was a little bit of a crapshoot, but moving back is turning out to be one of the best decisions I've made in a long, long time.

---

EDIT/UPDATE:

Company B could not meet my salary request. Company A has a new employee!

home, sweet home

Man, did I miss this city!

I haven't even gone out or done very much yet. I've been trying to get settled in, and finally, it appears to be happening. My room, when I first got here, was unfinished. The loft was shaky and unsupported, no furniture, no drywall, nothing. So first, a run to Home Depot to get supplies to rebuild the loft bed. Noah did most of the work, this seems to be one of his many fortes... I'm more technical and handy, but he can build. It's quite impressive, actually -- he built all the walls and a lot of the structural stuff in this apartment, and did a bang up job of it. After getting the loft built, we turned to the steps, and then finally, to Ikea. I dropped a pretty sizable coin on a couple of furniture pieces and the like, but it's very much worth it. I'm finally home, and each little addition tells me more. In fact, my computer is now back up and running. Clothes are finding a new home and... egads, I have my first load of dirty laundry to do tomorrow.

But that will all have to wait for a moment, because tomorrow: My first interview.

Stay tuned.

closure

Hm, it's been a while.

Closure. It's the only thing I could think to title this and I think it's apt and multi-layered, as all thoughtful, literate blogs should be. Also, I'm an egomaniac.

Honestly, though, things are ending all around me. My employment is the obvious one -- no bids to buy the club, so pending court approval tomorrow morning, we are closed for business later this week. Finally. We lasted far longer than anyone anticipated, and arguably we should have been gone three months ago. Jokes on them. I've been getting paid to essentially sit on my hands.

And I moved out of my apartment. The cats shipped up A-OK. I worried though, a great deal. Scooter had a seizure just as I was putting him in the crate. But I couldn't turn around and make other plans, so I just held my breath for eight hours until I got the all-OK call from N. They are adjusting well. I got everything out a day early. The room looks startlingly sparse. A lot of decor projects I never got to do. But it's no longer home.

Temporarily, I've taken up residence at my brother's house. On my second night in, I cooked dinner and discovered bits of teflon scraping off the very well used pots and pans, so a few days later I tricked my brother into dropping me off to do some shopping on his way to work. When he returned, a new twelve piece cookware set awaited to be broken in. It's odd being back here -- I lived here for about 8 months when I first moved to Atlanta, and now I'm back on my way out. I will have only lived in two places in this city in my four years here. I don't think I've ever known such consistency before.

The house is isolating, though. Convenient to everything but close to nothing... for someone without a car it makes things a challenge. And inevitably, the most direct path home has the steepest hills to climb. So when I'm here, I'm HERE until I MUST be somewhere else.

So with work winding down this week, my mind turns to my inevitable exit. I've been monitoring the prices on airline tickets and initially I was concerned that a short turn around means higher prices. But then, I realized that were I to wait the ten day deadline to get the better price... well, that's ten days of doing nothing -- and living expenses would cost the same as the extra amount for the ticket. I plan to hit the ground running at my next destination. No time to sit and wait for a better deal. I have to go out and find it.

So the long and short of it all is that things will be changing very quickly for me in the next week or so. I sort of hope it all comes down on Wednesday... such that I can file my unemployment and fly out by Sunday, making a new start on the new week. I've never been so lucky, though -- this mess has been nothing but unpredictable. So, I wait. And we'll see. But finally, I'm closing this chapter, four years after it began. And for the next one, I have a pretty good idea where I'm going with the story. I don't have to wing it.

home sweet home

Took the cats to the vet to get their health certificates and OK to fly. They're good enough to fly, but Scooter has a bit of a heart murmur I was implored to get checked out in the next few months. Calling to make the cargo reservation tonight to fly them out Wednesday. When all is said and done, moving the cats will be the most expensive part of this excursion!

It's become very, very difficult to motivate myself to schlep into work. It's a bad situation all around and definitely not good for my health. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's just a few more weeks, and it's all behind me. Today was an early day for the cats, taking Friday off completely to finish up on moving out, and it's back to the ManHouse this weekend. Is this all really happening? It's all just a little too jarring.

Anyway. If you're curious to know where I'll be living... here's the craigslist ad for the other room. It's home!

leavin' on a jet plane

I guess, since many, many things will be leaving my possession this week for the next destination, that I can go ahead and make the formal announcement. Not that it comes as any shock to anyone.

Once Crunch formally leaves the Atlanta region, I will also. I am officially moving back to New York City.

There are still a few kinks to work out, but I think I've got most of it ready to go. My personal effects will leave my current living quarters on Friday afternoon -- everything except one bag of luggage with a week's worth of clothing to be worn in rotation. The cats will be cargo shipped up on Wednesday into the loving arms of my future roommate who has graciously offered to take them in as his own until I'm up there myself. Though I don't have a solid date for my own departure, it should be within the next three weeks. As an added bonus, I'll be eligible for unemployment and the all-important COBRA subsidy.

I must leave my current living situation by September 1, so I have decided to take up my big brother's offer to return to ManHouse until my job is done, bringing the whole Atlanta experience full circle.

I came here totally aimless, disappointed and broken down over my own failures. I stumbled into a job I wound up holding on to for four years (to the day today, actually) -- the longest I've ever stayed in one place. And while the last four months have soured me on the work experience, I've gained a great deal from my experience. I never did make much of a personal connection with this city, and several of my friends have decried its very existence for the run of bad luck I had here (a bit melodramatic if you ask me, but whatever - heart's in the right place). I emerge a bit less aimless, and in far greater control of my personal destiny. While I'm uncertain about what happens next, I know I'm making the right choices -- and in the off-chance I'm not, I know I'm much better equipped to handle it than I was before. I'm like a cat -- I always land on my feet.

Unless I get hit by a beer truck. In that case, I land on my back and top of my head.

the other shoe finally drops

It is more or less official. On Friday, documents were filed to authorize a sale of memberships to a competitor, subject to higher and better offers. Today, we were officially notified that we are slated for closure. At long last, four months after the first documented evidence appeared, we were finally leveled with and it was acknowledged.

Sales staff was let go effective immediately. Other parts of staff were initially let go as well, but that was rescinded when they realized it would violate 'business as usual' stipulations of the court. (technically, anyone can still sell membership so the sales staff is ruled unnecessary. But to completely cease a profit center or two goes too far.)

I have an exit strategy at hand, and it's one that was actually OK'd by my HR department. The duties of my job are essentially complete or can be completed by someone else already at the facility. My job, technically, can cease to exist at this time without an impact on the course of 'business as usual.' Additionally, it's a bonus for my current employer as the hours I'm spending at this point can be handed to a number of other employees who are hoping for extra hours -- and paid at a considerably lower rate. EVERYTHING is about the $$$ at this moment. So, with everyone else, including HR, on board -- all I need is the OK from my RVP and I can leave my job at the end of this week with unemployment and COBRA subsidy in hand.

EXCEPT.

My RVP can be difficult at times. She's near impossible to reach (not her fault, she's completely overburdened at the moment) and in the past I regularly fail to see the logic in her thought processes. It's not that it isn't there -- it's that she doesn't communicate any of it, so we're all just left to think she's crazy. She's aware that I've got living opportunities at hand that need to be acted on quickly (I'd mentioned them when I asked about possibility for transfers, and my direct boss brought it up too). I'm just trying to take a very negative experience and throw a little bit of positive in for all parties involved -- it's a win-win-win situation but I haven't even been able to posit it to her for consideration.

I'm glad I didn't buy a plane ticket yet, at least. But I do still have to leave my current pad by September 1, so I may have to take my brother up on a brief stay at the man-house to wrap things up. I hope it won't have to be that fragmented, but I've been all about planning ahead through the entire course of this thing... can't count anything out just yet, and have to be prepared.

a messy but valid point

Just a quick word about the health care debate by someone who will really and truly be affected by the outcome a great deal.

One of the truly terrifying things about this whole losing-job process was realizing that there was a very real possibility I would lose my insurance right when I need it the most. Worse yet, if my unemployment were to be a woefully extended period of time, re-enrolling in a group insurance plan after I finally find a new job would require me to go without treatment for a YEAR before it was covered again. (Thank GOD for the COBRA subsidy provided in TARP -- perhaps the ONLY useful and practical thing to come out of that thing!)

I am approaching a crucial point in the impending beginning of treatment. If delayed a significant period of time, my health would deteriorate rapidly. In the course of that year without treatment, an opportunistic infection could easily take up residence in my weakened state and pretty much kill me.

I know there are a lot of ideological differences on what should go how far when and how. None of the ideas on the table are particularly good yet, but this is important stuff that's being talked about right now. The "death panels" some have crowed about already exist -- populated by profit-seeking insurance accountants and executives exploiting loop holes when coverage is needed the most, like arguing your teen acne counts as a pre-exiting condition.

I'm fighting like hell to make sure all my bases are covered. I have contingency plan on top of contingency plan ready to go if it's needed. But before crowing about the evils of a universal healthcare system, consider what would very likely happen to me -- your friend, your brother, your son -- if the worst case scenario played out with things the way they are right now. And then tell me it's not worth it.

tomorrow might be the day...

A semi-lazy Sunday. Roommate left for vacation this afternoon so I have the place to myself all week this week. It'll make for a nice break. Plus, I can get lots of packing and sorting and organizing done. I have a couple of surprises for roommate, too. Some of his furniture is getting rather scuffy and scratched, so I took a trip to Home Depot after he left and bought a can of finish restorer. I've tended to the dining room furniture and it looks beeeeautiful. The dresser in my room needs a little extra love -- some of the finish has actually come off completely and there's a little patch of bare wood. The color held fast, though, interestingly enough. So another trip down to Home Depot for a teeny little thing of shellac to patch it up and it's good as new!

Of course, I have to work all week. Or do I?

Tomorrow is the lease rejection hearing. It has not been adjourned. Things are finally coming to a close, but it's still difficult to determine exactly when. It could very well be that a closure plan is presented in court tomorrow and we're done for in three days. Or it could be three weeks. Hard to know. I'm exploring my options, but at this point I think it's a very safe bet to say I'll be out of a job by the end of the month. I never thought I'd be excited about a prospect like that, but I am. I've always said that surviving is thriving. I've survived this and now it's time to move on to a new challenge... it's become stale and stagnant in Atlanta. Time to move on.

More details later. Film at eleven.

something's coming

I've kinda gotten the sense that something's about to pop here, and this morning I was assigned a full equipment inventory, due in three days.

Mind you, that's no small job. That's a MASSIVE undertaking and under normal circumstances, we're given at least a week to complete it. Nope, not this time. I think this road is finally coming to an end.

informed decision coming right up

On the level: If concerns about my continuing health were not a factor, chances are I would have left my current job three months ago. I'm only hanging in for health insurance at this point, marching to the end to have a COBRA subsidy in hand so I can start writing the next chapter of my life.

However, as delay after delay takes place, I'm fearing more and more that the opportunities I have available to me in the next three weeks will slip away... and THEN be out of a job, and stuck somewhere I can't find a new one. It almost comes down to a choice between physical health or mental state. If I can find a balance between the two, I'm launching myself at it and never looking back.

I'm happy to say I think I've found it. I've been talking to one friend who works for the Department of Labor to guide me through the puzzle of HIPAA and creditable coverage, one friend in NYC's health and mental hygiene department, and one friend who is currently covered by the NYC public health insurance program and volunteers with HIV/AIDS assistance programs.

I have more details to look into, but as I examine this further and further, it looks to be 80/20 that I will leave Atlanta by the end of August. The only thing that's kept me in place so far is the lack of options. Now that I have what appear to be viable ones -- it's time to get moving.

packing it in

I started writing an entry last night -- four different versions of it, in fact -- but couldn't adequately describe the thought processes that were bouncing around my head. A lot of back and forth with some kind of existential questions, and what's better to pursue. I think I'm landing at a couple of answers but a lot relies upon how things play out the next couple of weeks. I finally just called a friend of mine who happens to be working towards a doctorate in psychology. I more or less vomited out all the things that were bouncing around in my head, and I feel much better for it.

And today, I started working on a big project -- packing. One thing that is certain is that at the end of August I will no longer be living where I am now. Granted, I don't know the destination yet. Maybe it's across town, maybe it's across the country. But I know I'm going somewhere, and with that knowledge secure I thought perhaps it's a good time to start preparing for it. I grabbed some boxes and various tools and started getting to work.

I keep things. I emptied out my bookshelf and found all kinds of little oddities and treasures... mostly stuff that I really, really don't need anymore. Paystubs from 1998. Old notebooks with notes from various trainings at restaurants. Scribbled design ideas when I was doing websites. Slips of paper with phone numbers on it (who on earth is Rex?). And this gem:



This must be from second or third grade. It's a picture of the Capitol building in Tallahassee, Florida. I think it was supposed to be for a Springtime Tallahassee logo contest my art teacher decided to enter us into -- hence the musical notes floating oddly above the offices in a cloud of white poo. And the old Capitol building there in the foreground looks oddly phallic. But to be fair, the actual building does kind of look like a penis.

Oh...and the Robbie File. Robbie was the ex-boyfriend, now convicted felon. He got himself in deep with his schemes, and got caught shortly after I broke up with him. I played an unwitting role in his getting caught, actually. That was unfortunate, because Robbie, bitter at being dumped, decided to implicate me and since I was already in the middle of it, it made sense to the people looking into it. I didn't actually do anything I was accused of, but the outward appearances and Robbie's manipulations made it look like I had. I look back on it now and kick myself repeatedly for how stupidly I handled that -- but it was all I was equipped to do at the time. I just wanted it all to be over and done and took the first opportunity to close it out that I could. In retrospect, that was dumb, dumb, dumb. An expensive lesson.

I kept a file of things from that time. Correspondence, bits and pieces of evidence. I handed all this stuff over to investigators and lawyers trying to clear myself but no one really seemed to give that much of a damn. I still had it, nearly ten years later. I've found things much older; journals, photos, trinkets and toys... they're worth keeping. But this is one thing I think it's is time to leave behind. Gladly.

buried

So for the past several months I've been wading through piles and piles of bankruptcy paperwork -- 456 dockets so far, to be exact -- to try and discern a clue about what the hell is going to happen and when. And tonight I think I've finally discovered why this has taken so, so long -- but still no indication to when something's going to happen.

Two big documents I discovered -- one was a hidden objection to the motion to reject the lease, filed by the landlords at my facility. I missed this one initially because it was buried in a motion pertaining to Chicago locations. The objection was two-fold -- one, that the language was very vague in the original motion to an extent that is not admissible; two -- that a motion to reject the lease is premature because my company was hunting for buyers to sell to. (Also, in the course of the objection, the landlords assert their right to assume complete and full control of the premises on date of rejection, should it happen -- a validation of my 'chains on the doors' theory -- yep, it really could happen. I wasn't very far off on that at all.)

Ahhhhh.

The other document -- an itemized bill from legal counsel. Bankruptcy requires transparency, and flipping through the logs for June, one discovers that...YES. My location had an interested buyer, complete with Asset Purchase Agreements and Bills of Sale drawn up, who subsequently disappeared after June 12 -- the same day above mentioned objection was filed.

Am I through the looking glass yet? I seriously doubt it, but somehow I think this may drag out even further. They're going to try and sell the location rather than have it rejected, because they can get money off that. But there will come a point that they're running out of time... and I hope that's very soon, because I've taken a couple of gambles now. There's still a few weeks to let the chips fall and the dust settle, but still -- this is scary.

Incidentally, I've really gotten to hate my job as it is right now. I don't think I've ever done anything harder (mentally at least) than pull myself up to go into work every day. I've been through some really tough stuff in my life, too, so that's saying something!

reprieve

OK, I can breathe a little now. Just a little. I've touched base with NYC, and with roommate, and I have a little room to work.

N -- new roommate in NYC -- was planning on building out my room before I entered the picture -- so he'd already planned to not have a roommate for the month of August so he could hang drywall and windows and such. We talked today and I explained the status of my job at this second in time, and it's no problem. Smooth sailing. So I don't have to worry about losing the pad if nothing happens this week. I have a little time. PLUS, if that doesn't work out... his other roommate is also leaving, on September 15 - a better room, more space... so that could all work out beautifully.

Current roommate has secured his new roommate -- for September 1. So I have some breathing room locally, too. I can let some dust settle and take things as they come. But if you know me, you know I've never been one for stasis. I had that horrible feeling of nerves and dread going into work tonight. I just don't want to be there anymore. It's so frustrating. One of my former colleagues told me he knew he was done when he found himself crying on his way to work... and I feel like I'm getting close to that. It's time to move on.

But a bright spot this week has been the presence of my sister and nephew. Dinner with the fam on Sunday night was great, and Zoo Atlanta this morning was a lot of fun -- somewhere I'd never been before! I may get to hang with them again tomorrow before they depart back to FL on Wednesday. I do wish I were a bit more mobile than I am -- the ability to easily go see family and friends is definitely a large gap in my life. Ironically, a move to NYC might make things easier -- a better paying job makes it easier to pay for plane tickets!

...

You have GOT to be kidding me.

At the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND... as in 5 PM, close of court clerk business today... tomorrow's hearing has been adjourned until August 10. At least THREE MORE WEEKS OF THIS CRAP.

I'm just floored. We all know the end result here. Delaying the inevitable like this is pure torture. Put us out of our misery already!

At this rate, I may lose the NY apartment... I'm trying desperately to be responsible and smart about this -- that I won't make the move until I have a new job in NY or the gym closes so that I won't lose my insurance or be stuck on unemployment for an unreasonable amount of time. A new job is nearly impossible to secure unless I'm physically there.

I'm thisclose to tossing decorum out the window and going straight to the top - a carefully worded, respectful email or phone call to my CEO, basically asking him to allow me the opportunity to make an informed decision instead of being ambushed. And honestly, I don't think there's much to lose at this point -- though if I was hoping for a transfer (and I have inquired about this to deafening silence) -- it might not be an option. But hell, maybe it isn't anyway.

Bright spot, though.. I get to have lunch with my old boss tomorrow. I miss her so, so much.

like a hurricane blew through

The interesting week officially got more interesting today. The way I figure it... I'm either out of a job on Friday, or out of a job on August 1. Either way -- I'm out of a job!

As mentioned in the previous post, Thursday is the lease rejection hearing. No adjournments have been filed. The stalking horse bid has been accepted and qualified -- and now just needs final approval from the court and it's just a short jaunt to their closing day where ownership is officially transferred. They are running out of time. Looks like any possible sale of the facility has completely fallen through because this afternoon, the property manager plowed through the doors with about twenty people in tow. A couple of people who work for the management company... but mostly people in business suits with clipboards and folders and pens for taking notes -- and not a single business card available...or so they claimed.

A little digging reveals that our property management has quietly started notifying real estate agencies that my facility will soon be vacant and they're looking for a replacement tenant ASAP. And there you have it. Bankruptcy is bloody business, and I knew I'd get cut sooner than later. And at this point, I'm not sad or upset or anything -- I've already gone through those grieving stages several months back. I'm very much at acceptance, now, and I'm ready to get moving on with life. Of course I'm annoyed that this process has taken so long, because it means I have to forfeit my deposit on my current pad, and the move to NYC is not August 1, but probably closer to August 5, or 15, or somewhere in there. But I'm coming to the end of this arduous road, at long, long last -- preparing to set foot on a new arduous road instead. All it comes down to now is exactly when. In all likelihood, my prediction of coming in Friday with chains on the doors is going to be correct.

Next!

--

Healthwise... my left arm is giving me all kinds of trouble. That's the formerly broken arm. I seem to be more sensitive to weather patterns now, and for the last two days my arm has been giving me all kinds of grief... and now my index finger seems to be joining in the fun. Can't be arthritis...could it? It's just the one finger. It's what I imagine arthritis must feel like though. Hurts! A lot!

chains

Ooo, boy, this is getting interesting. A lot of stuff coming right down to the wire.

Hearing to reject the lease is Thursday. If precedent is anything, the last two times they adjourned, it would have been put in by now. But they have not. This hearing is at the exact same time as the hearing to approve the bid for purchase...which was finalized today. And other clubs on the rejection motion have bidders lined up to purchase their assets. Mine? Not one of them.

I'm beginning to think that Friday, we will show up to work with chains on the doors, and that's how we'll be notified we're out of a job. Bankruptcy is nasty stuff.

could it be?

Something's happening!

Don't know exactly what, but there are many indications this coming week is going to be...eventful. Stay tuned.

the waiting game

This is all taking so much longer than I'd really like. I'm trying my damnedest to not get discouraged over any of it but...sheesh. I gotta know something! There are moments where I wish I was completely in the dark so I wouldn't feel like I'm just waiting...waiting...waiting...

And the clock ticks forward. Just a little.

to be continued..?

This whole thing has gotten so wild... I'm kind of alternating between really excited and nervous and kinda feel like none of it is happening to me. Like I'm sitting in a theatre watching it.

My interview tomorrow got called off. Not sure why. I was at first going to react with disappointment -- another chance down the tubes -- until I got a followup email moments later:

"If an opportunity came along and it was the right fit for you, how soon can you be back in NY?"

I'm not out of the game!

I responded: "I prefer to give my current employers the customary two week notice. However, with the unique and uncertain circumstance of my job right now, in the interest of self-preservation I might make an exception. I could feasibly coordinate and execute the logistics of a move from Atlanta to NYC in a week or so."

Which I could. I mean, I'd be getting next to no sleep at all and I'd be dishing out a pile of cash for my flight -- but I could do it.

But I think they're interested. I think they're...very interested. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

what, again?!

This appears to have turned into the work drama blog. I apologize for that, it's just consuming my life to a ridiculous extent right now.

That investigation I've been working on this week has been rather twisty and turny -- which appeared to culminate yesterday when one of the people involved decided to stop cooperating. It pretty much became a foregone conclusion that person would get the axe, but just under the deadline ... we're back in, and this thing just continues to spiral.

As far as the phone interview I had earlier this week... well, I don't think it could have possibly gone any better. So good, in fact, that I have a second phone interview with the director of operations on Tuesday. I already have JW won over; as far as she's concerned I can have any job any time (at least, that's the impression I'm getting). But of course, there are layers and levels that must be seen to, and I intend on being the most compelling and impressive candidate possible. And I've got the best person possible in my corner.

Tuesday was also the scheduled hearing for the motion to vacate the lease at my current location. I thought they were taking their sweet time with giving us some sort of notification, and tonight I found out why: The hearing has been adjourned for a second time... but this time only one week instead of the three weeks of the previous adjournment. They have not withdrawn the motion, though -- only delayed it -- which indicates to me that they are still intent on closing us down... but perhaps we'll get some notice after all. I hope they move fast, though. At this very second, I'm playing a game of chicken between this company I'm interviewing with and the one I'm at now. Now, if I come away from my interview on Tuesday morning with a job offer in hand, I'm liable to simply submit my resignation that afternoon. I already know the pay scales and after doing a bit of math, I realized I'd be able to pay rent, COBRA, and general life expenses...living a bit tight for a few months, of course. I ... could actually DO this. I can leave my job on my terms if I so wished. Of course, I'd much prefer taking a heavily reduced COBRA rate if I can wrangle it by just being a little patient.

I've been getting a little sick over the past couple of days... sore throat, headaches, etc. Went to the doctor today, and now I'm chucking down three amoxicyllin every day for the next ten days. I HATE antibiotics, but I can't wait to start feeling better again. I've been lucky to be as healthy as I have so far this year. Lets hope the pattern sticks.

Incidentally, I was supposed to have an appointment with Dr. Z today too -- she's out of town, though, so I must reschedule. I'm a little nervous, though -- this is the one I may be told it's time to go on meds. Just as I'm transitioning to a new job or no job. Flippin' great.

down the home stretch

I guess I'm coming to the end of this chapter. As far as I can tell, at least. I caught someone in HR with a rare moment of candor (as a result of a rare moment of candor of my own) indicating that yes, the days are numbered, but not sure how many numbers are there. It's good to know, in its way.

Anyway, in the lead up and aftermath of the holiday weekend, several people are out of town. I've been holding down the fort, and in that course of time I have two employees who decided to get into it. I'm now neck deep in an HR investigation of assault. What's worse is that it involves my two rock stars -- the two people I know I can count on to step up to the plate and help out every time. It's been tumultuous -- both are being accused of things that are so, so, so far out of character and everything seems so ridiculous. My thoughts on the matter have gone very much back and forth in each person's favor, but with the development that one has suddenly decided to stop cooperating with the investigation, I've suddenly realized I'm going to have to fire someone I held in great esteem by the end of the week. It's disappointing, but this kind of foolishness (especially so close to the end) is inexcusable.

This resulted in my having to work a thirteen hour day today. Several hours of that were spent conducting interviews and writing summaries while fielding phone calls. Now take that, and add someone breaking the ADA elevator beyond simple repair (we're talking several thousand dollars here)... AND a boil water advisory (no drinking water. no fountains. no ice. NOTHING) and... yeah, a truly maddening, stressful day. Perhaps as stressful as I have ever, ever had in my professional life. I'm finally home after all that, and I'm exhausted to say the least.

Yet, in the middle of it all, a glimmering beacon of light. I managed to walk away from the club for about an hour to get a bite to eat and just NOT BE THERE. I pulled out my phone and checked my email. Last night, I was surfing through some of the job ads on the internet, as I've been wont to do lately. I spotted a company I'd heard some good things about in NYC and thought ... Hey, what the hell? I'll drop a res. It was one of those generic email addresses -- a faceless receptor of piles of resumes to be weeded out by some person somewhere. But worth a shot, even if it's in the dark, right?

That shot in the dark now appears to have hit with perfect precision -- because during my break I received an email from JW. JW is my former superior's superior's superior. She worked for my company for TWELVE YEARS, and left two years ago for this new company. I have a great deal of respect for her, and though I've only met her once or twice, apparently I made a big impression on her, too. She knows me. She remembers every detail about what I was doing for the company when she worked there. And now, I have a phone interview with her at 1pm.

I don't think I've ever had the stars align so perfectly before in my life. I have been walking around in a completely stunned and giddy state for the past seven hours, despite being completely exhausted. Without a doubt, the best surprise I've had in months if not years.

I won't get my hopes up, but this is the best reason for optimism I've had in a really, really, really, really really long time. Send your positive vibes!

the prophecy is complete

According to an old Bloom County comic strip, you can tell the future through anagrams with your name.

So I tried.

Gyms Jeer Downgrades
Newsy Joggers Madder
Gym Grows Jaded Sneer
Newer Gyms Dread Jogs
Newer Gyms, Sadder Jogs
Jagged Rye Swordsman
Gym Wrongs, Seer Jaded
My Joggers Dread News

...there's lots more. But...yeah, I guess it's true!

serious debate

Wowza, my head has been silently spinning for the past twenty four hours.

Discovery number 1: The hearing for the lease rejection of my facility (and four others) has been adjourned to July 14. Meaning: My job won't disappear at the end of this week. There's a lot of variables that are way, way, way up in the air. The emergence from bankruptcy has also been delayed. The auction for new ownership was due to take place on June 30th, but that has now been put off. Bids are now due July 17, auction July 21, and close of the sale on July 24. (got a spare 40 mil? Buy my company!) Additionally, the company who is rumored to purchase the membership rolls of my facility and my parent company mutually paused negotiations until June 30. Add in a dash of precedent in how the company shut down a facility with similar methods last month. I don't know what to make of it! This could play out many, many different ways. So I'll just write it out...and if you can maybe make sense of it, try to clue me in?

Scenario A) Closure of the facility is reliant upon the motion to reject the lease being granted. Lease is rejected on July 14th. Facility will close with three days notice in time for bids submission.

Scenario B) A deal is struck with the membership purchaser on or about June 30. Closure proceeds with some notice but prior to lease rejection. This fits with precedent; the location that was closed last month was done two days prior to their lease rejection actually being granted. Employees and members were given two weeks notice.

Scenario C) The adjournment has bought us time and may actually work in our favor to prove our worth and change the minds of the heads of the company. As inexplicable and ridiculously optimistic as this option sounds, there's a small amount of plausibility. Currently, my facility is one of the best performing units in the company. For the months of April and May, we were in pretty dire straits, but somehow in June we're burning it up. I have absolutely no idea how that's even possible. It's just barely enough to consider ...hope? reckless optimism? I think I'm far too much of a realist for that, but the couple of other people aware of the situation are grabbing on to that idea pretty tightly.

Discovery number 2: My best friend in NYC's roommate called me at 11:30 last night. She's moving out on August 1, and do I want the room? Of course I do... but without a job in NYC, what do I do? Then, the shocking twist came talking to my best friend: The rent is only $50 more than what I'm currently paying in Atlanta. Now, I have a pretty darn good rent in Atlanta. That rate plus fifty in NYC is absolutely UNHEARD of. In fact, it would be the cheapest rent I EVER paid in New York. And the place is wonderful. Assuming the club closes and I lose my job in mid-July, I can opt in for COBRA (yay subsidy!) and find some waiting tables gig when I first get there while searching for my real job (and actually BEING there is a big help in landing interviews). I stay covered until better days and better insurance plans, living in MY city. But nothing's set in stone. I mean, it's all but an absolute certainty in my view (the filing for lease rejection was very, very clear to me...)

It would appear this is all in the timing. Do I hedge my bets that I will be out of a job at earliest, the first week of July, at latest the third week of July? That's a pretty sure bet. Do I give my roommate notice I'm leaving at the end of July? (Very likely. If I lose the job but don't leave Atlanta, I'll probably move back in with my brothers.)

I'd be taking a pretty serious gamble here, but I think the odds are more in my favor than ever before. Which, I know, is a very strange thing for someone about to lose his job to say.

delayed

Lease rejection hearing adjourned to July 14th.

Oh, for gods sakes people...get on with it.

he's dead, jim

I'm gonna call it. Time of death: 3:45pm, June 20th, 2009.

That was the time I found my fate in Atlanta. After two and a half months of unanswered questions, unending stress, torn out hair and frustration, I discovered docket number 67.

Filed on May 22nd, but kept from the public by the noticing agent, Docket 67 seeks to reject five leases under bankruptcy protection, including the facility where I am currently employed. I discovered this through the public records posted by the NY Bankruptcy Court, access to which is provided at a small premium.

So that's it. I expect the end of my employment to come inside two weeks, and this time rather than well placed sources, I can rely on black and white court filings. The hearing on the motion was held on Wednesday. Only one objection to the motion was filed by the management company for a different facility in Chicago. The previous two lease rejection motions carried despite objections, and there's no reason to think this one won't either.

It's really quite a relief. I've been grasping to this desperate hope that maybe, maybe, maybe everything will turn out OK against all odds. Now, I can relax. I can breathe. I can go, put in my hours, collect a paycheck, run out the clock and stop going that extra twenty miles. I'll call my HR department on Monday to let them know if I can find this, anyone can and perhaps it's time for our corporate heads to stop being so secretive -- HR has been really good to me, so if I can help them avoid some headaches, I will.

But first, I think some wine for tonight.

eleven months later

Since it's all over the news again, I thought I'd weigh in...

Eleven months ago, I decided I'd treat myself to something I really wanted. After grappling for months with a clunky, ineffective and flimsy Blackberry, I woke up at 5:30am, hauled my sleepy/happy butt up to the mall, and waited in line for the covenant of the coveted (at that time): The brand new iPhone 3G.

A lot of people scoffed. Totally unnecessary, a waste of money, following the herd... I heard all of it. And I'm very, very happy to say now -- those people were wrong. In fact, I think this phone is quite possibly the best gadget I've bought in eons. See, with gadgets, I'm like most others -- I tinker around with it for a few months, and move on. I actually had outgrown my gadget phase, but the 3G came along and my impetuous inner six year old came out. COOL TOY! WANT IT! NOW NOW NOW!!!!

So, eleven months on, I'm thrilled to report that I am still thrilled with the phone. I love what it's capable of doing. And now a new model is coming out on Friday, and all I can think is... COOL TOY! WANT IT NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!

I will, of course, wait. I get a nifty software update tonight to tide me over. I don't really need a video camera or a digital compass... it's the inner guts of the new version that draw me in. A larger hard drive, faster processors, and better connection speeds -- the truly geeky things -- have me in a tizzy, but I can wait. I'm eligible for the cheapo upgrade price in December... and if I wait even longer -- I can get it even cheaper with the NEXT upgrade next summer. But I think everyone here knows me well enough to know that...no. I won't wait that long. But I do know what my extra special 30th birthday present to myself is going to be! (Originally, it was going to be a trip to Australia, but work drama has pushed that back to 35 or 40, sadly.)

I was technogeek before technogeeking was cool, yo.

--

In other news... there is no other news. I've arrived at the conclusion that I will not ever, ever get back on a workout program unless I do it somewhere I don't work. Added bonus is a local gym quite close by doing a great membership special through the end of the month. But I'm so in the dark about what's happening with my job and can't really be sure if I'm leaving town next month... I don't want to plunk down money for something I'll have to abandon in July. I wish minds would be made up. Or, if they've already been made, that we'd be informed of that decision so plans may be made. While things have calmed down a bit while I'm actually at work, I have no more confidence (in fact, maybe a bit less) that my job will be there in a month's time. All I want is a sign. Or a sugar daddy in New York. That'd be nice too.

up to date

It's been over a month since my last update. I wish I could say that there's much to report, but there isn't. Depending on how you look at that, it can be a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm still employed. Nothing has actually changed at the job -- it's still a toxic environment with a lot of issues and problems that are nowhere near being fixed or solved. The total silence that emanates from our higher ups is unsettling and comfortable all at the same time. Unsettling, because there's no plan of action or determination as to what happens to us when we emerge from bankruptcy in two and a half weeks. It's still a pronounced possibility that my club will close in that amount of time with no notice. Emergence from bankruptcy is always when the nastiest closures tend to happen -- I could literally show up one day with chains across the doors. But also comforting, because no one is paying attention to the failures of my every-day efforts... which has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the situation I've been handed. I've watched how this company runs and I know there's a tendency for undue scapegoating. Knowing it hasn't reached that point yet is, at least, a relief. No one is trying to blame me for the failing fortunes of my region.

Part of me wants to keep speaking up so that when some attention does shift back and problems actually become priorities for my corporate people, it's all documented and common knowledge that I've had a grip on the issues, tried to fix them and was met with resistance every step of the way. But the other part of me doesn't want to draw that attention to myself knowing the history of scapegoating. I did reach the conclusion some time ago that even if by some miracle my region still exists in a few months time... I don't want to be there.

So I took a few vacation days earlier this month to break away from it. I flew back up to NYC for Tony weekend, catch up on a few shows and hang with friends. It had been over eight months since I'd last been up. The last few times I visited, it felt as though I was just that -- a visitor. This time, that old familiar feeling washed over me again -- I felt like I lived there again. It was wonderful. I turned off my phone and work email and just enjoyed the time away. And interviewed for a new job while I was there. Though I doubt I'll land that specific position I interviewed for, there are other future possibilities to watch out for with this company. And those options have the kind of payday I'm looking for. All I can do at this point is be diligent and persistent... and maybe... maybe very soon... I'll be back in a comfortable environment, with comfortable employment. God, it would be nice.

My Sunday today has been very nice. Relaxed, watched TV and put the rest of the world out of my head for a while. Days like today are what days off are meant to be. If I could do this every day I'm off, I might actually be OK.

As for the week ahead? Well, since I went on vacation last week, it's only fair someone goes on vacation this week. I'm on a 6-day work-week. No fun, but I'll make it through. I shortened my own hours for each day to even it all out (it's good to be boss!). I spent Saturday catching up on most everything, so I'll be a little more able to take on tasks as they come. It'll be a day or two before I drown again, but it's a start!

Healthwise? Fought off a cold from last week (mostly gone thanks for a 15-hour sleepathon on Wednesday), but still have a lingering cough. Appointment with Dr. Z the second week of July. This may well be the one I go onto the meds. We've talked about it the last couple of times -- the pattern is not in a good trend right now. Meds will reverse that, but I'm going to be in a quandry if I lose my job. COBRA is still subsidized, thankfully -- and speaking to a former co-worker, it comes up to just a little over $100 a month. I can swing that on unemployment, if it's necessary.

Sorry, this isn't a very cohesive entry... just a catch up. I'll try to have a point in future entries. :)

as the spin bike turns

I got my unofficial heads up earlier today -- the days are very numbered. Though short on specifics, a very reliable source has said it's all but a signature away.

It's funny, too -- this past week has been one trauma after another. Catching employees stealing or forging, other employees getting arrested for non-work related problems, endless phone calls from hired counsel trying to salvage long-defunct memberships for cheapskate members... after the conference call yesterday to announce the bankruptcy, it all just sort of rolled off my back. And then today's call (which did not come from the company, by the way -- a well placed source who's been looking out for me)...I'm relieved. After the pile of shit I've had to wade through for the last month, I can finally just relax and know that soon, it'll all be history, and I can pursue the next chapter of my life unbridled.

This perspective, however, will be short lived. Already, I know that I need to cancel a dentist appointment for Monday tomorrow because that extra change in my pocket will be vital in a few weeks time. One never knows when he'll have to jump on a plane for an interview at a moment's notice.

And I must say... THANK GOD for the COBRA subsidy that was included in the stimulus package. It's likely that come July, I will be going on meds. Without insurance of some kind I would never be able to afford them. The subsidy runs for nine months... more than enough time to find a new position and secure a new insurance package...we hope.

And oddly enough, should that rotten day come that I do lose my insurance... the best thing for me to do would probably be to move back to NYC. There are numerous organizations that exist solely for this type of situation -- most notably, the Callen Lourde Community Health Center.

In the meantime, I'm running out the clock...waiting for better days. And flossing a little extra to make up for that missed dentist's appointment.

bankrupt

Oops.

My company filed for bankruptcy this morning. "Business as usual" is our operational mantra at the moment.

Now taking all bets on how long I'll stay employed with them!

decisions, decisions...

So the NYC job, for now, is a no-go. They'd already settled on a candidate but posted the ad to be safe. Oh well.

I'm at a crossroads with work right now. Everyone knows that the end is coming, but there's no indication that it'll be soon. They screwed up their exit earlier this month and are now stuck with a property they must continue to pay rent on, unoccupied. Meanwhile, the fallout continues at my workplace.

Now comes this: My job has been eliminated. Well...not eliminated. Re-defined. So much, in fact, that it warrants a new title. It expands my responsibilities and holds me accountable for more than I was previously.

New title and more responsibility = better pay, right? No, see, there you would be wrong. Not a single penny. Also, these changes were thrust upon me. There was no conference, discussion or anything of the sort. This was effective last week, but I only just found out about it today.

Now couple these things with the reality of the situation I'm in right now. Three weeks ago I was forced to cut back three quarters of my staff hours, laying off several valuable employees, revoking health insurance from several more as we couldn't keep them above the full-time threshold, and performing the job duties of four people at any given time. It's astonishing to me that I get as much done as I do, but my workdays have increased two hours every day. Now, expand my responsibilities and make me directly accountable for things I have been consistently blocked from doing (for instance, fixing the air conditioner). It's beyond unreasonable. If I accept the changes and the position, my next performance review is in the toilet and a pathway to being fired.

It's taking a major toll on me. I'm beat down, exhausted, and just don't feel well in a non-specific way. I just don't think I can do it much longer. And with the change of job title, I have an out. I'm eligible for unemployment if I leave my position voluntarily due to a substantial change of the position I hold. This qualifies. It's where this whole thing is heading anyway, and I won't be able to focus any kind of time on a job search until I'm out of there. It's a difficult choice, and it's one I will have to make soon, but there are so many layers and it's going to take time to consider them all.

Sigh.

options

Remarkably, I still have a job. It's been three weeks since the closure of Parkway, and the mood at my location has been gloomy at best. I've been talking to the HR department -- specifically my buddy with whom I have worked on many projects. Nothing coming from the corporate office gives us any kind of confidence that we're going to survive for any extended period of time (though we did receive a bit of correspondence, probably at my behest, saying "We support you guys. No, REALLY! We do!" Too little, too late.)

So I've been looking. And as I've written previously, I have a difficult time with knowing what I'd be good for. Add in that I don't want to just jump to a job because it's there (I COULD run a Family Dollar, but I'd be miserable in a matter of days)... But I did stumble on a position that is seemingly perfect for my abilities in NYC.  I promptly submitted a resume and a cover letter, and sent a follow-up note to their recruiting manager a few days later. The response (paraphrased):

"Thanks for reaching out! We're currently reviewing the submissions and will be contacting people for interviews soon. By the way, when are you moving back to New York?"

That last question threw me for a loop.  They are apparently interested enough to ask when I'm moving back. I responded back, saying the timeline is very flexible and dependent on landing a position, but I do have arrangements for temporary quarters while I get myself situated (read: hire me and I'm there when you need me... I have a few friends who owe me favors!).  I offered to fly up for an interview. And so we wait. Another day or two and I'll send up another follow-up.  I really want this job -- aside from the lovely benefit of moving back to NYC, it's a position I deeply believe I would be tremendously successful in. I'm trying to play my hand smartly -- persistent enough to be on their minds, without crossing over into desperation or harassment territory.  That's a delicate balance!  I'm confident that if I get an interview, I'll get the job.

My other prospects are pretty quiet.  There are plenty of positions I can do and be great at but getting past that first cut is difficult.  I have a great resume but there's only so much you can fit into one page. Plus, in these times, there's a lot of competition... there are plenty of people who are better qualified for the things I'm going out for, but they wouldn't necessarily be better at the job.  It's a catch-22.

All the while, I'm trying to stay balanced and get as much done at my current job as possible, knowing that tomorrow could be the day it all ends.  I'm eligible for unemployment, but that's only a luxury for about two days and a weekend.

Oh, and I have traffic court on Tuesday for getting hit by a truck. Unending joy.

make up your mind

Downloaded the cast recording to Next to Normal, a new Broadway show that's opening next week. Sounds...intriguing. I'd like to see it, somehow I don't think it's going to last.

There's this one song that seems like it's appropriate to my situation.  Of course, if you put it in context, it's absolutely not related at all. And it's all back and forth between two characters, but for all intents and purposes they could be the alternating thoughts in my own head once you take it out of context.

Make up your mind to explore yourself

Make up your mind you have stories to tell

We're searching your past

For what sorrows may last

Then make up your mind to be well

Make up your mind that you're strong enough

Make up your mind, let the truth be revealed

Admit what you've lost

And live with the cost

At times, it does hurt to be healed

Catch me, I'm falling...

Catch me, I'm falling...

Please hear me calling

Catch me, I'm falling for good

Make up your mind you want clarity

Take what you know and then make it make sense

Just face what you fear

And soon it comes clear

The visions are just your defense

Make  up your mind to get well at last

Make up your mind to be fully alive

Embrace it inside

Replace what has died

Then make up your mind you'll survive

Catch me I'm falling...

Catch me I'm falling...

Flying head first into fate

Catch me, I'm falling...

Please hear me calling

Catch me before it's too late

Make up your mind this is clarity

Clarity that you did not have before

The treatment is strong

But lasts only so long

Maybe your mind's needing more

Make up your mind that you'll try again

Make up your mind that there are moments of light

The one thing that's sure

Is that there is no cure

But that doesn't mean we don't fight!

Catch me, I'm falling

Sinking and sprawling

Maybe I let myself fall

Catch me, I'm falling

Maybe the falling

Isn't so bad after all

Make up your mind to be free

Watch me, I'm falling

Make up your mind to be free

Watch me, I'm flying

Make  up your mind to be free

And somehow surviving.

So I'm weighing my options and making a choice. And it's sooner than later.

marking my time

It's not often a gym closure makes the newspaper, but mine did:

AJC.com

I've spent most of my time on this blog redacting where I worked, but as I'm on borrowed time at this point... to hell with it.

The loudest rumors right now point to a closing notice posted on Monday.  Out of work by Thursday.  We'll see.

over

That's it.  It's all over.

On two days notice, the location I once ran was shut down. In the blink of an eye, I saw thirty people lose their jobs. Today was the last day.

I took advantage of the presence of corporate people in town whom I had a good rapport with to see where my current location stands.

A month, tops.

It's all over.  I went to the after-party tonight, in a restaurant across the plaza from where I spent three good years of my life.  During those three years I muddled through some of the most difficult challenges I've ever faced, and I always had that gym to go back to.  But not anymore.

It's not for lack of options at this point -- there's even an opportunity for me to transfer within the company -- go back to NYC. But without a relocation package, I'm skeptical.  I don't have confidence that job will still be there six months from now, and I'll be exactly where I was four years ago - on my ass and out of options. You might call that learning. I'll explore it, but I place no eggs in that basket unless I'm absolutely certain there's security, and that's a tough, tough sell.  Plus, I'm not convinced I want to work for a company that can cease operations at their locations with two days notice -- nor pay any severance out to the staff affected.  It's time to jump ship.

My local network was activated late last week when I first caught wind that stuff was going down.  So far there's one really great sounding opportunity that I'd like to pursue as soon as I get more information.  It may be three to six months away.  ABSOLUTELY worth the wait, but between now and then, unemployment and general hell. Who knows? I'm wandering back out into uncharted territory.  I've navigated similar waters before, but it's been a long, long time since I've had to do that, and I'm afraid I'm a little rusty.  And ultimately, I'm disappointed... because I spent nearly four years building up an unimpeachable reputation for an incomparable work ethic, impressive problem solving skills, and a real knack for the industry -- and I have to start over again from scratch. And it may be another four years before I get myself back into a comparable position.

I'd appreciate your positive vibes if you have a few to spare.

worst week

A few months ago I wrote an entry about how everything was good. Comfortable, easy going, decent. I made an off-hand comment that something would likely come along in the next week that would tear it all to shit again.

I was off on the timing.  It took a few months.  But first...

A week ago Friday, I got hit by a beer truck.  I was crossing the street trying to catch a bus, the truck was making a right turn on red at a blind corner.  I didn't see him, he didn't see me.  Fortunately, he wasn't going very fast and was able to hit the brakes before driving over me.  I was knocked off my feet, hit my head on the pavement and started bleeding.  It was all very scary, especially in light of Natasha Richardson's fatal accident. An ambulance came and I spent the afternoon in the ER. CT scan was clear, and I was released with a handful of prescriptions. Muscle relaxant, pain killer, anti-inflammatory.  I couldn't rotate my head for two days, but made a gradual recovery, and following a visit with a chiropractor, recuperated to full capacity once again!  It was a scare, to say the least, but I'm OK... and much more aware of traffic as a result!

My boss took a pre-planned leave of absence for the month of April. She's pregnant, and needed to get a few things taken care of before the baby pops out in August.  Her attitude evolved over the past few weeks, first doubting that she would return... and gradually realizing she'd go nuts if she didn't come back.  I don't blame her, and I'm OK with the plan.  I rather have her as my boss than anyone else.

So, April 1 comes around, and I take the reins.  Job duties have been neatly split up and we're ready to go. The first day goes beautifully. And then...

April 2. The second day of running the facility, I am ambushed with a few bits of news. My company is 'cleaning up its portfolio.'  The scuttlebutt is we're being prepped for sale... which is not surprising, actually. It's been floated many times before. Then, a call from my vice president.

Cutbacks. Layoffs... massive ones. Barely had I moved to my new desk, and now I must cut my workforce back by 50-75%. The scope of cutbacks is dangerous. The facility is huge. Every bit of my staff is necessary. Some do not do very good work, of course, but when I had enough to remove them from their posts, I would still replace them. As I try to figure out the best possible configuration, I realize -- none of it is going to work.

And it all falls

in

to

place.

My place of work will no longer exist in three months time (give or take).

Tomorrow, I am laying off five full time people.  I am cutting three full time employees to part time -- which in turn revokes their insurance and cuts their paychecks in half.  As a salaried employee, I will now be working 6 days a week, between 10 and 12 hours a day, and picking up the slack until my boss returns. Instead of doing two people's jobs, I am now doing four people's jobs.

They are trying to force a profit on an unprofitable revenue center to improve the look of the company on paper to prospective buyers. They have forgotten that the reason why the facility has become unprofitable is that it has been allowed to fall into disrepair over the course of the last seven years. A $120,000 repair to the HVAC system was rejected three times over the last three years.  During the winter I have walked into the building where the temperature inside was colder than it was outside.  And with Atlanta summer fast approaching...forget it.

I get it now. Force the profit to make it look good on paper.  Then, new owners will close the facility and write it off as an acquisition loss because the scope of repairs is now too great to invest (to do a complete, full restoration will now likely fall in the million dollar range. That's how long it's been, and how bad it has become. There was only so much I could do).

And now I am laying off people -- good people in most cases -- without so much as payment on a two week notice, or severance package, or anything being offered. In some cases, it's dedicated employees who have been there for five to ten years.  And I know that when my time comes, it will be the exact same treatment.

I must strike first. Time for a new job.

I'm so disappointed... I really felt like I could have made something out of this. And I now will never get the chance. It was a pretty good three years, followed by a rotten six months. And I have no idea where to turn next.

bits n' pieces

God, so much to catch up on. Lots of things I wanted to point out in the world at large, and I've forgotten most of them...

First, the me stuff...

Work continues to be an interesting barrage. With the spectre of a possible promotion on the horizon thanks to BossLady's pregnancy, I've been gently asserting myself in an effort to get people more gradually accustomed to my style. I tend to be a lot less tolerant of people who make themselves useless, and my boss has acted as a buffer to my occasionally overzealous approach. It's a very good thing, because it has taught me the value of fairness and measured judgment. I've learned that idiots do not need to be exposed -- they reveal themselves much more quickly most of the time. So I began the gradual process of letting people know where I stood, measured over the next four months to allow them an opportunity to know what the score was going to be when I took over.

Until Wednesday, when BossLady confided in me that she will not be leaving in August... no, indeed, she will be making her exit in APRIL.

This also coincides with organizational changes the company has been tossing around, and now it looks like my location gets to be the guinea pig to see if it works. The new model removes the role of general manager and splits it amongst the remaining deparment heads. The role I will be stepping into: Operations Manager. Most of the split up duties will fall onto my plate. Better still, the stuff I'm not too keen on (sales) is OFF my screen. There's still a lot of undefined turf that will have to be hammered out over the next two weeks, but I'm quite intrigued by the potential: a position that will, in effect, be created and defined specifically for and by me.

Neat.

In other news, I cashed in some of my savings and bought a new bike. It will be a process learning how to trust my own reflexes again. My body lost its sense memory over the last two years, too, so I'm trying to re-adjust to certain things..not the least of which: I've lost my crotch callous. I've been walking bowlegged for the last two days. I expect my brothers to run wild with that line, but anyone who bikes knows what I'm talking about.

--

On the political front, I'd like to draw everyone's attention to KnightsOut.org. Knights Out is a group comprised mainly of West Point Military Academy alumni who have served within the military, either currently enlisted or retired. The public face of the group, Dan Choi, is an combat veteran in the Iraq war and an infantry platoon leader with the National Guard. He graduated West Point majoring in Arabic language and environmental engineering, which have served our country well in our current conflict.

Two nights ago on national television, Choi openly defied Title 10, Part II of the U.S. Code -- better known as the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. He went and told everyone without being asked. There is now justifiable cause (in the purest legal sense) to discharge him from the military. Aside from that Choi has a clean record and proved himself of great value, acting as a translator in town meetings and winning the confidence of many locals in Iraq.

As his coming out has been such a public affair, the scrutiny around any possible dismissal will be massive, and as such I somehow doubt he will actually be removed from his post. If he is, it goes to prove his point, that valuable soldiers are being tossed away. If he is not, it goes to show that the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy is a joke, a policy applied in a fashion that can only be described as arbitrary.

Obama has promised to repeal the measure, and I hope he makes a move on it soon. To date, 11,694 soldiers have been removed from their posts under invocation of this policy. Perhaps some were reasonable discharges to address transgressions beyond the mere mention of sexuality, but when a dismissal is centered on a part of the human psyche which can not be altered and has no bearing on a person's ability or performance as opposed to the REAL transgressions, it is not justice nor justifiable. It is discrimination, and it must end now.

back in the saddle?

I've been considering it for a few days... I have a little extra cash in my savings at the moment, and god knows I need the outlet...

I'm thinking about buying a new bike.

You may recall my old bike was stolen four months after my accident. I never got the opportunity to fix it up or ride it again. It's just as well, though, because in my consideration of buying a new one, I've realized something.

I'm still scared shitless of it. The crash was pretty traumatic -- it was the first time I went to the emergency room and had to stay -- four days, no less. Major reconstructive surgery, piles of painkillers. And while it made for great conversation, it is something I never want to repeat. The pain was excruciating and the lasting impact of having to replace my teeth haunts me to this day (remember my apicoectomy last summer? Owwww...).

But then... this little philly (well, Raleigh) spoke to me from a shop window. And I remembered how much I really enjoyed the ride. And as I've gained a little extra heft since my bout with pneumonia, I have to get my exercise in somehow.

"But, but, but you work in a gym!" you may say... true. But when you spend eight-ten hours a day working in the place, the last thing you want to do is hang out for another 90 minutes. And knowing myself and my patterns, I will never start anything up unless it is an ingrained part of my daily routine. Biking to work would take about the same amount of time as taking MARTA, with the added bonus of physical activity. The nifty side effect of biking to work was that I actually had the desire to do a real workout at the gym, regardless of the ten hour day.

But still... scared.

imagination run amok

I moved to Atlanta three and a half years ago, somewhat under duress. It wasn't where I wanted to be but if I was to make any sort of step forward in my life and break the cycle of comfortable living into deep pits, it was a necessary move. I made my designs on leaving Atlanta within the first year and heading back to NYC, transferring with the company I started working for.

That didn't happen, clearly. I'm still working for that company, and in August, it will be four years. It's longer than I've stayed with any other job, and it's allowed me to be mostly comfortable on a fairly consistent basis. I've grown and learned within my position, though when I've thought of making a switch I was never quite sure where else I could apply it.

I've stuck it out, though, and it's beginning to pay off. After a lateral move across town to help resurrect a dying location, my boss and I managed to draw a profit for the month of December. It's the first monthly profit that location has seen in perhaps 3 or 4 years. In the space of two months, we somehow miraculously made a $90,000 turnaround. Add in the issue of economic hardship everywhere, and that turnaround is even more remarkable. It won't last, as we start the new year attempting to tackle some big ticket items that have become very necessary. Still, it's a testament to the abilities of my boss and myself -- even if it's horribly immodest for me to say as much.

And now, in six months time at my 4 year anniversary with this company, it's within the realm of possibility to pay off some awesome dividends. My boss revealed to me that she is pregnant once again, and she's doubting that she'll come back this time. In the last year, I have proven myself to be an embarrassment of riches, ably demonstrating my worth during my boss's first maternity leave, and our subsequent turnaround of the new location following her return. In short, the job is mine should it come available.

It goes along with a major pay raise (just shy of double my current check... I do the payroll, I know these things!), a bonus structure, and most importantly to me -- choice.

Although I will not be doing what I dreamed of doing from a young age, it affords me the opportunity to live the way I wish to live. Everything I do now in my daily, non-professional life is comfortable, but limited. I live where I live because it's what I can afford without living in squalor. I go where I go because it's what's nearby or accessible, since I don't drive. It's lucky that for the most part I'm OK with these things, but the potential of things I can do with a little extra scratch in my pocket is exciting to me. A place of my own in a nicer, more secure part of town. A CAR to go exploring. The option of seeing a movie in Dunwoody without having to set aside an hour and a half to get there, and an hour and a half to get back. Like I said, the options I have now aren't BAD, they're just limited, and I've always been one who wants to explore. It's all running wild in my head -- the potential to improve the basic features of my life. What's more, it's sustainable if I keep working the way I do and am prudent with the choices I make.

Now THAT is exciting.

life is good

I finally did it. After fifteen months of growing it out, I cut it all off yesterday. My hair will shortly be shipped off to Locks of Love, to be made into wigs for children with cancer. It's wonderfully gratifying, and there's the added bonus of having a cute new 'do. I feel good. And those good feelings have led me to think about my station in life.

It's a good life. It's not perfect, but it's working for me. I have a great roommate who takes good care of me. I have a job that keeps me somewhat comfortable, and the best boss a person could hope for. I've regained my health after a long, questionable period. I have all my family still here, and mostly doing what they want to be doing. And after three and a half years of active disdain, I'm getting to be OK with Atlanta. I'm not in a bad place.

I'm sure next week something will happen that temporarily throws it all into flux again, but for now, I'm relaxed, lucid, and OK. And all of this is coming out because I gave something of myself to someone who otherwise wouldn't have it. I like this.

coming together

We had a corporate visit this week, and oddly, after four months of tearing my hair out and feeling like I was trapped in an exercise of futility, I walked into a workspace that felt like progress had been made. Sales numbers were up. It was clean and organized. There was finally a plan to fix some of the broken down junk that had plagued us. The first words my boss's boss said to me were "Everything looks really, really good" in a way that made me feel like he hadn't gotten to say that in a very long time. I finally felt like maybe we've made an impact.

Progress. Finally. I went home and breathed a sigh of relief.

--
Next, a memory.

Once, years ago, there was a letter to the editor in my local newspaper from a couple who had visited my hometown from Nebraska. They wrote of their car breaking down in the dead of night on Christmas Eve, and being helped by some anonymous stranger who just happened to cross their path. The stranger lifted the hood, spent about twenty minutes in there, and then told them to try to start the car again. It revved up again as if it were new. The stranger refused any payment, wished them a merry Christmas, and disappeared into the darkness.

A display of admirable human kindness. I think of this every once in a while when I contemplate the human condition... when the world crumbles into war, and selfishness seems to be the overlying sentiment. It reminds me that good exists, and it's closer to home than you might think.

--

My sister appears to have fallen into the role of town crier within my family. She's often the one who dispenses the news to the rest of her siblings of goings-on when something major happens. I'll never forget the phone call I received one August Sunday morning, when I went into work to get some stuff done. It was a pleasant surprise to hear from her.

(cheerfully) "Hey Sayre, what's going on?"

"Grandma's dead."

Text doesn't do it justice. There was something so incredibly direct and level about it that it was immediately disarming. We talked about it for a moment, and I promptly prepared my travel arrangements. She has this innate ability to break bad news in a gentle way without futzing around with flowery, treacle-filled sentimentality.

So with the arrival of an email from my sister with simply my brother's name in the subject, I knew something had happened. He had been taken to the hospital with symptoms of pneumonia... and from there, every three hours, it was alternating good news, bad news. It's pneumonia, and maybe a pulmonary embolism. No, it's not an embolism. There's a bacterial infection in his bloodstream. He's in better spirits and appears to be responding to the medication. No, wait, he's been moved to cardiac ICU. And then, suddenly, he was released from the hospital. The antibiotics moved incredibly quickly and he recovered, literally, overnight.

The stream of news was absolutely exhausting, and then add a layer of self-mortality to that. It was a little over a year ago that I entered a hospital emergency room with a 104 degree fever and respiratory attacks every fifteen minutes. I felt like I was dying... and I came to find out that I was, and would have if I hadn't sought treatment at the moment I did. I was diagnosed with pneumonia and a pulmonary embolism. I tried to downplay the seriousness to my family -- they all had lives and important things to attend to. It was four days before my fever broke, and another two after that before they felt the danger of the clot detaching and causing a stroke had passed. Now, here's my big brother, in a similar boat... and I know the seriousness of it firsthand, but also know recovery is attainable. I tried to assuage my family's fears best I could through emails and phone calls, while also quietly making arrangements for work and travel, just in case.

It wasn't necessary, thankfully.

--

As the last of six kids, and one who came along a bit after the rest, most of my siblings were already breaching adulthood and defining their directions in life, and as such I often felt left out at family gatherings. Often, it was Jerry who made the effort to make sure I was included, and would often bring me along for the ride of his own life. I witnessed him stop and help countless people along the way.

Time passed, and we grew into very different people -- I'd wager a guess that amongst the family, Jerry and I are the most disparate of the family. He was never particularly comfortable with the gay thing -- it took him ten years to get a hug from his little brother without flinching. I've never told him about my diagnosis, because ultimately, I don't think it's that important for him to know. There's very little common ground between us, but that doesn't lessen my admiration for him.

Jerry is the kind of person so many of us strive to be, and he doesn't even realize it. Every once a tall tale would be spun, designed to cast a light of amazing glory upon himself that would be met with massive levels of incredulity. Instead, it's the things he does not talk about that inspires his family.

That anonymous stranger who saved the couple from Nebraska was Jerry. There were enough details in the letter that those who knew him knew it was him. And the kicker -- Jerry denied it. And still does. His life is lesson in humility, and how to be, truly, a good person. I get the feeling he doesn't envision himself to be a terribly important person, hence tall tales... but the most extraordinary things seem second nature and insignificant to him. He doesn't realize how incredible he really is.

Perhaps the key to true greatness is a complete obliviousness to it.

beginning to figure it out

So for the past month (as regular readers are well aware), I've been generally disillusioned with my job and the way I spend my time these days. It shows all over the place, from my lack of regard for my living space (my room is a hell hole at the moment) to my current physical condition, to just my general demeanor and attitude. I no longer carry the enjoyment or zeal for my work that I once did -- I don't feel as if I'm doing anything I can take great pride in, or get any kind of fulfillment from, which has now spilled over into my personal life. All this means, from the more zen point of view, that it's time to move on.

Would, were that an option. With the state of the economy and job availability such as it is these days, finding something that's just right is a daunting task. You may be hard pressed to find anyone who fits the bill of "jack of all trades, master of none" better than me. It makes me extremely useful and valuable as an employee once I'm in and going, but not at all marketable in the initial search. This has always been the case in both good times and bum times.

All this has led me to a great deal of introspection and reflection about what it really is that would make me feel like I was doing something worthwhile, that I could be really, really GOOD at. I've never felt at greater ease than I did when I was performing, and upon graduating high school I packed up and moved to NYC to pursue those aspirations. Life, as it so often does, got in the way, and despite some very encouraging auditions and a few workshops and readings along the way, after seven years I couldn't keep it going. I left, terribly disappointed that perhaps it just wasn't meant to be... and having absolutely no idea what I would do next.

But on the plus side, during my seven years, I was surrounded constantly by incredibly talented people who I came to know as my dear friends. They had the same struggles with occasionally more success... and the whole time I was there I couldn't understand how people who were so brilliantly talented (moreso than me in many cases) had just as much trouble maneuvering around the road blocks as I did.

Shortly after I moved to midtown Atlanta, I was exploring the neighborhood and found an old church building. It had been sitting vacant for years after the restaurant that had operated there in the 90s vacated. It was a beautiful building that had been masked by graffiti and disrepair, but gazing upon that church my head swirled with a million ideas on how to revitalize it and put it back to use. Last year, the building finally found a tenant in the form of a Presbyterian congregation, but I walk past it nearly every day and another detail of my idle daydream begins to fill in for The Cathedral Theatre. And every time I've looked at that building I've become more and more aware of what it is I'm meant to do.

I want to start and run that theatre company. I want the joy of giving my impossibly talented friends the opportunities that have eluded them thus far. I want the thrill of being able to explore new works, re-examine old works, and present it to the world at large. And just to placate my own ego...maybe a small vanity project or two along the way. The more I imagine of what's possible, the more excited I get. I'm not even doing it yet and I already feel that passion that's been missing for a while now. And realizing that maybe my first instinct wasn't so far off the mark after all is really quite gratifying. This is something that feeds off what I'm good at and is, in turn, good for me.

I don't have the slightest clue about where to start. But, for me, defining the idea is a huge first step.

quick update

Had jury duty yesterday. I was on the standby list, so when I called in to see if I was needed, I was told "Thank you for your service and enjoy your day off." Sweeet! I promptly got to laundry and sitting on my butt, watching TV. I've discovered this show called The First 48 on A&E -- it's a documentary show (don't call it reality, that cheapens it) that follows homicide detectives around in several cities and tracks the case they're assigned to for the first 48 hours after it breaks. It's fascinating to see how quickly they can work and how good they are at their jobs.

Every once in a while I find myself oddly fascinated by some sort of niche -- right now it's forensic science and detective work. Anytime I'm near a TV playing Forensic Files, CSI, Law and Order, or any other of the host of crime procedurals, I get sucked in. And in another lifetime, I probably could have been damn good at that too.

I've been thinking about learning another language. Or six. I'm always in awe of people who can fluently converse in multiple languages and I've secretly yearned to be one of them. I took three years of Spanish in high school and I can pick up bits and pieces of conversation... but I speak what is commonly known as 'restaurant Spanish' -- enough to communicate, too little to converse. I've heard lots of good stuff about Rosetta Stone and it's not astronomically expensive, so maybe one day I'll go learn Spanish. And French. And German. And Japanese. And Welsh (they have Welsh!). While living in NYC, I ran into so many visitors who were so tenative and scared about their broken English. I always wanted to be able to allay whatever fears they had by spilling out with their native language out of nowhere.

--

Finally, had a doctor's visit today. CD4 is 447, VL is 28k. That's a considerable bounce back from my previous readings... in fact, my CD4 is higher than it was when I first started seeing Dr. Z. Meaning: No meds. I'm holding steady and have been for a year, minus that one little blip... that's good news.