Just shy of a year has passed since I started writing in this incarnation and I've mustered barely 35 entries. That's pretty sad.
--
So before this blog takes a left-turn into 'bitch-bitch-bitch' territory, my birthday and holidays were lovely, if a bit sedate. I couldn't get away from Atlanta for either, but a dinner here, a brunch there, and a gracious invitation from my roommate's family to include me in their festivities certainly added a bit of warmth to the days.
I went and saw Benjamin Button today, and frankly... don't bother. It's an overlong, maudlin display of storytelling without an actual story. It took three hours to say nothing. I don't get the praise that's being heaped on it. I thought it was dreck, honestly.
---
OK, time to bitch about work again. Second verse, same as the first...
I took some time off from work a couple of weeks ago, just after my birthday. It was a bad sign when the first two days I was off, I had to go in anyway. I did, however, manage four days in a row of not being there. It was refreshing, a chance to relax and leave it behind. I didn't go away (Priceline didn't want to cooperate), so I sat at home, ate cookies (Thanks Mom! They were great!) and decompressed.
What was disappointing about this particular time around was how clearly into focus it put my present situation at work. In the past, I've gotten to sneak away for a few days, relax, recharge, and come back ready to focus on the tasks at hand. This time, I came to realize that I've tuned out. After three and a half years of general neglect, boneheaded moves, extraordinarily inadequate pay... I'm done. I'm overworked and underappreciated, and frankly, I have more important 'me' things to worry about now rather than crawling on the roof to turn on the heat. I've been neglecting those 'me' things for the past year, and I can't do that any more.
Which brings us to a delightful catch-22. I don't generally know what I'm good at until I'm doing it... so transitioning into something new is always a challenge because I can't ever figure out where I'm going to land next. Plus, I'm actually seriously considering going back to school (shut up, shut up, I know, I've already heard it)... something not possible in my current position. So... a new job that allows full health insurance, enough time for school, and that won't sap me of my passion for life and allows me to work on myself a bit too... in this economic climate.
Yeah, good luck, douchebag.
I've thought about going back to bartending again... if you get in with the right company, insurance is included. It's somewhat recession-proof (times are great? let's drink! times are tough? let's drink!)... and if I land the night shift, I can make money and have the time I need for myself. I wouldn't call it progress, but it may be what I need to get myself back together.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
like a rat
Oh, it's been a while. I actually had to look back to see what I'd written about.
I wish I could say that this was going to be a long entry because my life is so interesting and fascinating right now, but really, it isn't. Work is killing me, and my mind has been elsewhere. The more I think about it, the more I'm arriving at the idea that it's time to move on. My company is a sinking ship in this region, and given the recent spate of layoffs they did two weeks ago at the head office, I'd wager a guess we're next. Those layoffs have made our lives in the satellite regions sheer hell. Nothing is getting done, no answers for important questions, no support because all the people who backed us up before don't work there anymore. So, much like a rat jumping from a sinking ship, I'm looking elsewhere. There are a couple of options out there but I need to make sure this process is as seamless as possible.
I have some vacation time coming up in about two weeks... I may book a buddy pass and fly to NYC for a couple of interviews if I can.
---
So... it's been a year. A year and two days, to be precise, since my diagnosis. And how am I doing with it? Well, the fact that I didn't fall horribly ill following Thanksgiving was particularly noticeable... first time in four years. In fact, no new hospital stays at all!
But then there's the mental toll... and that's been considerable. All you need to do is look at a picture of me a year ago, and a picture of me now, and you'll see it. And though I haven't shed even the first tear (I don't do crying), it's in the eyes. Well, the eyes and the waistline. Wish I could blame that on Thanksgiving solely (which, incidentally, was lovely!), but that won't fly!
And my birthday is in ten days.
I wish I could say that this was going to be a long entry because my life is so interesting and fascinating right now, but really, it isn't. Work is killing me, and my mind has been elsewhere. The more I think about it, the more I'm arriving at the idea that it's time to move on. My company is a sinking ship in this region, and given the recent spate of layoffs they did two weeks ago at the head office, I'd wager a guess we're next. Those layoffs have made our lives in the satellite regions sheer hell. Nothing is getting done, no answers for important questions, no support because all the people who backed us up before don't work there anymore. So, much like a rat jumping from a sinking ship, I'm looking elsewhere. There are a couple of options out there but I need to make sure this process is as seamless as possible.
I have some vacation time coming up in about two weeks... I may book a buddy pass and fly to NYC for a couple of interviews if I can.
---
So... it's been a year. A year and two days, to be precise, since my diagnosis. And how am I doing with it? Well, the fact that I didn't fall horribly ill following Thanksgiving was particularly noticeable... first time in four years. In fact, no new hospital stays at all!
But then there's the mental toll... and that's been considerable. All you need to do is look at a picture of me a year ago, and a picture of me now, and you'll see it. And though I haven't shed even the first tear (I don't do crying), it's in the eyes. Well, the eyes and the waistline. Wish I could blame that on Thanksgiving solely (which, incidentally, was lovely!), but that won't fly!
And my birthday is in ten days.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
maybe
John McCain would have been president if he had won the nomination in 2000. And the Republican fortunes may have fared much better in 2008 if that had been the case. I probably wouldn't have blinked at voting for him back then, either. He actually lived up to the maverick nickname, rejecting the divisive tactics of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, and actually standing out as someone who really DID reach across the aisle to get stuff done. While he wasn't the prettiest girl at the party-faithful ball, he had the broadest base of support across the general electorate and would have beaten Gore handily.
Something changed over the last eight years that I can't quite put my finger on, and while I still think McCain is a good man, the moment he won the nomination he shifted into a pandering, vitriolic nominee who didn't have a chance in hell. He attempted to frame the race as a referendum on Obama -- a 'don't vote for me, vote AGAINST him' kind of tack. A quick look to history shows that strategy is a colossal failure, and one generally employed by Democrats -- Kerry 04, Dukakis 88, Mondale 84...the list goes on. McCain seems to reach across the aisle in more ways than one.
But for those who bemoan the election of Obama as part of the end of days... I turn to a wonderful point that Robert Wuhl made in Assume The Position: We'll get through it. And we'll be just fine. Calvin Coolidge lost the White House china in a poker game. We got through his presidency. Jimmy Carter presided over a period of tremendous inflation, and we got through it. We just stumbled through a financial crisis of storied proportion, but it looks like we're coming out the other side. We are incredibly resilient as a nation, and have suffered through exceptional incompetence, and still came out better for it. It is often said that the way a candidate runs his campaign will be how he runs his country... and if that is the case, we don't have anything to worry about just yet... I'm all for aggressive, crafty, and cash in the bank.
Something changed over the last eight years that I can't quite put my finger on, and while I still think McCain is a good man, the moment he won the nomination he shifted into a pandering, vitriolic nominee who didn't have a chance in hell. He attempted to frame the race as a referendum on Obama -- a 'don't vote for me, vote AGAINST him' kind of tack. A quick look to history shows that strategy is a colossal failure, and one generally employed by Democrats -- Kerry 04, Dukakis 88, Mondale 84...the list goes on. McCain seems to reach across the aisle in more ways than one.
But for those who bemoan the election of Obama as part of the end of days... I turn to a wonderful point that Robert Wuhl made in Assume The Position: We'll get through it. And we'll be just fine. Calvin Coolidge lost the White House china in a poker game. We got through his presidency. Jimmy Carter presided over a period of tremendous inflation, and we got through it. We just stumbled through a financial crisis of storied proportion, but it looks like we're coming out the other side. We are incredibly resilient as a nation, and have suffered through exceptional incompetence, and still came out better for it. It is often said that the way a candidate runs his campaign will be how he runs his country... and if that is the case, we don't have anything to worry about just yet... I'm all for aggressive, crafty, and cash in the bank.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
by popular demand
...a couple of shots of my triumphant, bar-tab/cash winning costume.
I was sorely tempted to put it on a second time tonight and hit up a couple of other bars with contests tonight, but laziness and the need to be at work tomorrow morning won out.
I was sorely tempted to put it on a second time tonight and hit up a couple of other bars with contests tonight, but laziness and the need to be at work tomorrow morning won out.
Friday, October 31, 2008
costumed
Oy, have my Halloween costume all ready... except one piece... and I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to things like that. I don't want to leave the house because it's not DONE.
Trying to improvise. Something close, but not quite there.
---
EDIT:
Improv is good. I won a costume contest tonight for my turn as the Joker, as played by Heath Ledger.
Trying to improvise. Something close, but not quite there.
---
EDIT:
Improv is good. I won a costume contest tonight for my turn as the Joker, as played by Heath Ledger.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
nightmares
I've been having both figurative and literal nightmares over the past few weeks.
Literal nightmares... some psychologists say that dreams, both good and bad, are a way of your subconscious reconciling the days events and stray thoughts over night to give you a clean slate the following day. After a building birthday party (one of my neighbors just hit 40), I crawled into bed and dozed off. I dreamed I was walking around my neighborhood, and discovered that the people living three doors down from me had a swimming pool. It was brilliantly exciting, since I'd spent the whole summer looking for friends with pools (I didn't do that in real life, it was just the way the thing went).
While giddily imagining the fun that could be had right here in my neighborhood, I got a phone call from the police. I was advised to come home immediately. I walked up the street to my building, completely destroyed. A semi-truck had plowed through the fence that separates us from the highway, plowed into the side, and caused the building to collapse. Everything was destroyed... and worse yet, two of my neighbors were home and had been killed -- but not identified. Worse still, no one answered their phone when I called. It was all very tightly wound suspense until... I woke up. Four walls still around me. Cat snuggled on my arm. People still alive. And a sickening feeling of dread and horror still lodged in my stomach.
Stray thoughts, stray thoughts. Since I'd been hanging out with my neighbors one of the things that came up was when we had the truck crash into the building a few months ago. Required some extensive repairs, but the building remained in tact and not structurally damaged. We talked about roof issues and whatever else. I don't think it meant anything, just that it congealed in a dreadful way.
The figurative nightmares? Work, for one. The new location is ... for lack of a better word... a shithole. The staff is lazy, listless, and untrained. NOTHING was being done properly. Members are generally pretty rude, though that may have a lot to do with the unconcerned treatment they received from the staff for the past several years. I've spent two weeks in quiet observation, trying to fix quietly as things went horribly wrong, though I broke yesterday after a poorly communicated and planned event (how poorly communicated and planned? I didn't know it was happening until 300 people showed up at the door) collided with an injury. There's so much common sense stuff that isn't getting done and I have to wonder if it's worth trying to teach common sense... or to just wipe the slate clean and start again with people who *get* it. It's not soley my decision, of course, which is probably a good thing. I can be a little rash when it comes to stuff like this.
And healthwise... I'm just feeling a bit off. A scratchy throat here... a little arm pain there... but I'm still not smoking. Maybe it's just part of my equilibrium being thrown off by quitting that I'll just have to readjust to. Meanwhile, I'm catching every bit of sleep I can and trying desperately to leave work at work to reduce stress. Easier said than done.
Literal nightmares... some psychologists say that dreams, both good and bad, are a way of your subconscious reconciling the days events and stray thoughts over night to give you a clean slate the following day. After a building birthday party (one of my neighbors just hit 40), I crawled into bed and dozed off. I dreamed I was walking around my neighborhood, and discovered that the people living three doors down from me had a swimming pool. It was brilliantly exciting, since I'd spent the whole summer looking for friends with pools (I didn't do that in real life, it was just the way the thing went).
While giddily imagining the fun that could be had right here in my neighborhood, I got a phone call from the police. I was advised to come home immediately. I walked up the street to my building, completely destroyed. A semi-truck had plowed through the fence that separates us from the highway, plowed into the side, and caused the building to collapse. Everything was destroyed... and worse yet, two of my neighbors were home and had been killed -- but not identified. Worse still, no one answered their phone when I called. It was all very tightly wound suspense until... I woke up. Four walls still around me. Cat snuggled on my arm. People still alive. And a sickening feeling of dread and horror still lodged in my stomach.
Stray thoughts, stray thoughts. Since I'd been hanging out with my neighbors one of the things that came up was when we had the truck crash into the building a few months ago. Required some extensive repairs, but the building remained in tact and not structurally damaged. We talked about roof issues and whatever else. I don't think it meant anything, just that it congealed in a dreadful way.
The figurative nightmares? Work, for one. The new location is ... for lack of a better word... a shithole. The staff is lazy, listless, and untrained. NOTHING was being done properly. Members are generally pretty rude, though that may have a lot to do with the unconcerned treatment they received from the staff for the past several years. I've spent two weeks in quiet observation, trying to fix quietly as things went horribly wrong, though I broke yesterday after a poorly communicated and planned event (how poorly communicated and planned? I didn't know it was happening until 300 people showed up at the door) collided with an injury. There's so much common sense stuff that isn't getting done and I have to wonder if it's worth trying to teach common sense... or to just wipe the slate clean and start again with people who *get* it. It's not soley my decision, of course, which is probably a good thing. I can be a little rash when it comes to stuff like this.
And healthwise... I'm just feeling a bit off. A scratchy throat here... a little arm pain there... but I'm still not smoking. Maybe it's just part of my equilibrium being thrown off by quitting that I'll just have to readjust to. Meanwhile, I'm catching every bit of sleep I can and trying desperately to leave work at work to reduce stress. Easier said than done.
Monday, October 13, 2008
distraction
I started at the new location today. And it's not quite as dismal as I thought it might be. I still have my work cut out for me, but the slash and burn technique won't have to be applied, which is what I thought would probably have to take place. Instead, I have a very moldable crew that has just suffered with a lack of direction. I started giving guidance and they blossomed immediately. This is going to be tough, but it's going to work.
But for all the good that came out today... I'm distracted. Not worried, or sad, or downtrodden... just a little thrown.
I went to my ID doctor today. My CD4 was at 356 on the last draw about three months ago. It was a precipitous drop from the draw before that, after holding steady at 435-440 for the last three visits. Meds are suggested at the threshold of 350.
But then it gets weird. My viral load took an even MORE precipitous drop... which is good. So one test was bad news, the other test was GREAT news. There's some room for wild fluctuation, it appears. Doc said that she wasn't putting me on meds yet. What's more important, she continued, was trends. This was an out of ordinary drop. If the next tests come back holding steady at the same rate, meds may be considered -- but it's more likely that my CD4 might notch back up and recover -- maybe not fully, but at least a little -- and that my low viral load was just an incredible fluke.
But... meds. For the rest of life. And while many I've talked to say it has vastly improved their quality of life... I'm kind of scared. Once you're on meds, it's kind of a point of no return, particularly with insurance. They are life savers, yes -- but then my continuing health also relies on them fully once I'm put on a regimen. Removing them from the equation... well, I'm not even *on* them yet, so perhaps this isn't something to write about now.
Ever thinking ahead, though -- this is the reason why health care reform is a major driving factor in the choices I make this election year. Say what you will about universal health care, but Great Britain has offered free HAART [Highly Active Antiretroviral Therapy] to all people legally in their country since 2004. In the US, an uninsured person could pay upwards of $1,000 monthly. It's enough for me to give a reconsideration to pursuing dual citizenship, for which I am eligible.
But for all the good that came out today... I'm distracted. Not worried, or sad, or downtrodden... just a little thrown.
I went to my ID doctor today. My CD4 was at 356 on the last draw about three months ago. It was a precipitous drop from the draw before that, after holding steady at 435-440 for the last three visits. Meds are suggested at the threshold of 350.
But then it gets weird. My viral load took an even MORE precipitous drop... which is good. So one test was bad news, the other test was GREAT news. There's some room for wild fluctuation, it appears. Doc said that she wasn't putting me on meds yet. What's more important, she continued, was trends. This was an out of ordinary drop. If the next tests come back holding steady at the same rate, meds may be considered -- but it's more likely that my CD4 might notch back up and recover -- maybe not fully, but at least a little -- and that my low viral load was just an incredible fluke.
But... meds. For the rest of life. And while many I've talked to say it has vastly improved their quality of life... I'm kind of scared. Once you're on meds, it's kind of a point of no return, particularly with insurance. They are life savers, yes -- but then my continuing health also relies on them fully once I'm put on a regimen. Removing them from the equation... well, I'm not even *on* them yet, so perhaps this isn't something to write about now.
Ever thinking ahead, though -- this is the reason why health care reform is a major driving factor in the choices I make this election year. Say what you will about universal health care, but Great Britain has offered free HAART [Highly Active Antiretroviral Therapy] to all people legally in their country since 2004. In the US, an uninsured person could pay upwards of $1,000 monthly. It's enough for me to give a reconsideration to pursuing dual citizenship, for which I am eligible.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
in and out of the fire
Week one of Chantix is almost complete, and I've gotta say -- the stuff is amazing. It works by shutting off your nicotine receptors, so whatever emotional or mental connection you have to the cigarettes is essentially blocked. I was instructed to continue smoking for the first week to transition off, but I've found that as each day passes, I've smoked less and less. I'd generally go through three or four packs a week, this week I haven't even gotten through my second. Tomorrow is the last day, at which point I go on a maintenance dosage of Chantix and cut the cigs entirely.
Had a dentist appointment today, and things are looking good. As Mitch Hedberg once said, it's as hard to start flossing as it is to stop smoking...and I'm trying to do both at once.
Oh, and I'm moving to a new location for work on Monday. It's a lateral move, same position, but slightly better pay. And a bigger challenge. I can definitely use the extra change in my pocket -- everything costs more these days but I haven't had a raise in a year and a half. This assignment is not going to be easy, though. I'm very apprehensive about the situation I'm walking into but there's some solid foundation that's already been laid. It'll be nice to not have to walk in and fix EVERYTHING. I'm excited for the change of scenery... easier commute, better schedule, and a bigger paycheck, in exchange for some added stress.
In general, I just feel better. I feel healthier and more optimistic. Historically, the moment I say that is the moment something drastic happens. Let's hope this is the exception.
--
And just a quick coda here, since I occasionally talk politics... I think John McCain (or at least his subordinates) may have just lost the race this week. Between the debate, where he came off petty and insolent, the innuendos being pitched out by his staffers, and recent rallies that look more like angry mobs... and you must admit, love him or hate him, that Obama has been able to stay on-message. He's connected with the general public the same way Bill Clinton did, and as evidenced by his debate performance -- finally learned how to survive without a teleprompter. (Gee, that only took twenty months.) It's sad to see this -- the John McCain of the 2000 campaign was an impressive figure, 2008 John McCain is a embittered shell of that fiery workhorse.
Had a dentist appointment today, and things are looking good. As Mitch Hedberg once said, it's as hard to start flossing as it is to stop smoking...and I'm trying to do both at once.
Oh, and I'm moving to a new location for work on Monday. It's a lateral move, same position, but slightly better pay. And a bigger challenge. I can definitely use the extra change in my pocket -- everything costs more these days but I haven't had a raise in a year and a half. This assignment is not going to be easy, though. I'm very apprehensive about the situation I'm walking into but there's some solid foundation that's already been laid. It'll be nice to not have to walk in and fix EVERYTHING. I'm excited for the change of scenery... easier commute, better schedule, and a bigger paycheck, in exchange for some added stress.
In general, I just feel better. I feel healthier and more optimistic. Historically, the moment I say that is the moment something drastic happens. Let's hope this is the exception.
--
And just a quick coda here, since I occasionally talk politics... I think John McCain (or at least his subordinates) may have just lost the race this week. Between the debate, where he came off petty and insolent, the innuendos being pitched out by his staffers, and recent rallies that look more like angry mobs... and you must admit, love him or hate him, that Obama has been able to stay on-message. He's connected with the general public the same way Bill Clinton did, and as evidenced by his debate performance -- finally learned how to survive without a teleprompter. (Gee, that only took twenty months.) It's sad to see this -- the John McCain of the 2000 campaign was an impressive figure, 2008 John McCain is a embittered shell of that fiery workhorse.
Friday, October 3, 2008
the struggle
A few months ago I wrote about my diagnosis and taking ownership of life. At that moment in time, it was words on a screen, and it remained that way for a while.
I haven't always been completely honest about this process. I'll say I'm fine, everything's cool, no problems, but mentally, I'm a mess. I have always been a do-it-yourself kind of guy, and I hate having to reach out for help or admitting I'm in over my head. And most of the time, I've been able to pull myself out of whatever mess I fall into. But occasionally, life gets bigger than myself and I really don't have a choice.
For the past ten months, I've lived pretty much in seclusion. I'd wake up, go to work, come home, lock myself in my room for three hours and go to sleep, and repeat the whole routine again the next day, only deviating on rare occasions. And for a time, it was what I needed -- time to be still, peaceful, and to reflect. I was still able to put on the face of 'nothing's wrong' at work and in general. As the months trudged on, though, it became less reflective and more hiding away.
My roommate, God love him, has been noticing this and has recently been making a point to needle me about it whenever I'm out and about with him. I was chastised several times around my friends while we were in NYC about it. He's worried about me, and my friends took the hint and started needling me about it too.
I started smoking again. In the absence of harder drugs or alcoholism or anything else, it kept me calm and helped maintain that mask and gave me something else to escape into, as stupid as that sounds.
For some reason today, I woke up and decided it was time to do something about it. My GP (who I used to hate, but I'm coming to appreciate more and more) took me in on a walk-in. We talked about a couple of things; he took some bloodwork, gave me a flu shot, and wrote out a prescription for Chantix, a smoking cessation aid. My cholesterol came back right away, and apparently I'm in terrific condition on that front. "You'll live 'til you're 100 if you keep this up," he told me. My HDL is a little low for his liking and suggested I start taking niacin to get that back up.
I got on the phone with my insurance company to see if Chantix was covered, and to inquire about mental health benefits. I've decided it's time to start working from a clean slate, and to do that I have to get around this roadblock in my head I'm stuck behind. She sent me a list of providers and broke the bad news that Chantix wasn't covered. That's OK. It's worth the extra expense in the long run. I got the prescription filled.
There's a lot of money pouring out of me for this stuff -- after my apicoectomy a few months ago I've been on a pretty tough regimen of dental care, too -- but with my birthday a scant two months away, I think it's worth it. On the slide to 30, I realize I need to start taking these steps now so I won't have to deal with something much worse in a few years.
I can't really say where all this is heading, since I don't really know yet. After mostly surviving NYC for nearly ten years, though, I have to say I'm thrown that I let Atlanta get the better of me sometimes. If the mortgage crisis has taught us anything, though, it's that ownership is best taken in small steps. Don't try to grab on to something bigger than you can handle, or you'll wind up on your ass. It's a tortured metaphor, I know, but I think it applies.
I haven't always been completely honest about this process. I'll say I'm fine, everything's cool, no problems, but mentally, I'm a mess. I have always been a do-it-yourself kind of guy, and I hate having to reach out for help or admitting I'm in over my head. And most of the time, I've been able to pull myself out of whatever mess I fall into. But occasionally, life gets bigger than myself and I really don't have a choice.
For the past ten months, I've lived pretty much in seclusion. I'd wake up, go to work, come home, lock myself in my room for three hours and go to sleep, and repeat the whole routine again the next day, only deviating on rare occasions. And for a time, it was what I needed -- time to be still, peaceful, and to reflect. I was still able to put on the face of 'nothing's wrong' at work and in general. As the months trudged on, though, it became less reflective and more hiding away.
My roommate, God love him, has been noticing this and has recently been making a point to needle me about it whenever I'm out and about with him. I was chastised several times around my friends while we were in NYC about it. He's worried about me, and my friends took the hint and started needling me about it too.
I started smoking again. In the absence of harder drugs or alcoholism or anything else, it kept me calm and helped maintain that mask and gave me something else to escape into, as stupid as that sounds.
For some reason today, I woke up and decided it was time to do something about it. My GP (who I used to hate, but I'm coming to appreciate more and more) took me in on a walk-in. We talked about a couple of things; he took some bloodwork, gave me a flu shot, and wrote out a prescription for Chantix, a smoking cessation aid. My cholesterol came back right away, and apparently I'm in terrific condition on that front. "You'll live 'til you're 100 if you keep this up," he told me. My HDL is a little low for his liking and suggested I start taking niacin to get that back up.
I got on the phone with my insurance company to see if Chantix was covered, and to inquire about mental health benefits. I've decided it's time to start working from a clean slate, and to do that I have to get around this roadblock in my head I'm stuck behind. She sent me a list of providers and broke the bad news that Chantix wasn't covered. That's OK. It's worth the extra expense in the long run. I got the prescription filled.
There's a lot of money pouring out of me for this stuff -- after my apicoectomy a few months ago I've been on a pretty tough regimen of dental care, too -- but with my birthday a scant two months away, I think it's worth it. On the slide to 30, I realize I need to start taking these steps now so I won't have to deal with something much worse in a few years.
I can't really say where all this is heading, since I don't really know yet. After mostly surviving NYC for nearly ten years, though, I have to say I'm thrown that I let Atlanta get the better of me sometimes. If the mortgage crisis has taught us anything, though, it's that ownership is best taken in small steps. Don't try to grab on to something bigger than you can handle, or you'll wind up on your ass. It's a tortured metaphor, I know, but I think it applies.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
back in it
NYC was a lot of fun, though my travel companions suffered through one snafu after another. I flew up on Thursday afternoon, with a one hour delay. My roommate and the flight attendant were to join me on Friday. FA got to the airport Friday AM to discover his badge had expired, and could not work or fly that day. Roommate could still fly, but no longer had accommodations in NYC... which is where being well connected in the city is very helpful. My friend I was staying with works at a new hotel on the Lower East Side, and wrangled him a last minute friends and family rate, which was much cheaper and nicer than anything he could have ever gotten otherwise. The trip was saved, and roommate made it up without too many hitches.
I landed and made my way to N's apartment. After relaxing for an hour or so, I booked it down to Times Square to pick up tickets for 13, a new show made up entirely of 13 year old kids... seriously. Entire cast, and the entire band (except one). An interesting approach, and a creative risk that doesn't pay back in full, but makes for a fun night.
Second day, saw [title of show], which was cute and very funny... if a little in-jokey. How in-jokey? Here's Where I Belong got namechecked. I was one of three people who caught the reference and laughed. (HWIB is the only musical my actor grandfather ever did on Broadway... a massive flop that closed after one performance.)
That night, roommate arrived, and N and I took him out for beverages on the town. I got to introduce him to a few friends and take him around to a couple of my old and new haunts. A lot of people who didn't really understand why or how I fit in NYC so well get it when they're actually there with me, and roommate was no exception. Quoth roommate: "This is the most I've seen you out and about in a year!"
Saturday we wandered about the city a bit, showing him the sights as much as possible within the confines of his mission: Shopping on 5th Avenue. We shopped, I pointed, and it made for a good day. We crossed Central Park by way of Strawberry Fields on our way to Lincoln Center, where I once worked, and my dear friend G had cocktails ready and waiting for us. Then, back to the hotel to get roommate loaded into a cab and back out to the airport. And me back to the Bronx to get changed and head down to... ech... Staten Island ... for a concert version of On The Town.
I've never been a huge fan of the big jazz hands, ham-fisted presentational style of a lot of older musicals. My friend who directed this tried his best to avoid that as much as possible, but the material itself seems to write a lot of it in. It was a pleasant night with some really good performances.
Sunday was my day to fly out after brunch with G. Well, I thought it was. I got to the airport to discover the flight prior to mine had been delayed three times... to the point it was departing AFTER mine, which hadn't been delayed at all. I saw the cards lying on the table and started making other plans. Sure enough, my flight delayed too late for me to be able to get home from the airport... and then the first flight was ultimately cancelled, and all its passengers ultimately rebooked for my flight instead. I was bumped before I ever got on the plane, since I was flying standby. I called the airline and rebooked for the following morning. Trucked it back out to the Bronx, where I watched some TV, ruminated on the annoyance of a largely wasted day in NYC, and fell asleep. I flew out the next morning, and landed without a hitch.
Today, my friend pops into ATL for a visit from Memphis. I have about six hours worth of cleaning to do and only three hours in which to do it. Doh!
I landed and made my way to N's apartment. After relaxing for an hour or so, I booked it down to Times Square to pick up tickets for 13, a new show made up entirely of 13 year old kids... seriously. Entire cast, and the entire band (except one). An interesting approach, and a creative risk that doesn't pay back in full, but makes for a fun night.
Second day, saw [title of show], which was cute and very funny... if a little in-jokey. How in-jokey? Here's Where I Belong got namechecked. I was one of three people who caught the reference and laughed. (HWIB is the only musical my actor grandfather ever did on Broadway... a massive flop that closed after one performance.)
That night, roommate arrived, and N and I took him out for beverages on the town. I got to introduce him to a few friends and take him around to a couple of my old and new haunts. A lot of people who didn't really understand why or how I fit in NYC so well get it when they're actually there with me, and roommate was no exception. Quoth roommate: "This is the most I've seen you out and about in a year!"
Saturday we wandered about the city a bit, showing him the sights as much as possible within the confines of his mission: Shopping on 5th Avenue. We shopped, I pointed, and it made for a good day. We crossed Central Park by way of Strawberry Fields on our way to Lincoln Center, where I once worked, and my dear friend G had cocktails ready and waiting for us. Then, back to the hotel to get roommate loaded into a cab and back out to the airport. And me back to the Bronx to get changed and head down to... ech... Staten Island ... for a concert version of On The Town.
I've never been a huge fan of the big jazz hands, ham-fisted presentational style of a lot of older musicals. My friend who directed this tried his best to avoid that as much as possible, but the material itself seems to write a lot of it in. It was a pleasant night with some really good performances.
Sunday was my day to fly out after brunch with G. Well, I thought it was. I got to the airport to discover the flight prior to mine had been delayed three times... to the point it was departing AFTER mine, which hadn't been delayed at all. I saw the cards lying on the table and started making other plans. Sure enough, my flight delayed too late for me to be able to get home from the airport... and then the first flight was ultimately cancelled, and all its passengers ultimately rebooked for my flight instead. I was bumped before I ever got on the plane, since I was flying standby. I called the airline and rebooked for the following morning. Trucked it back out to the Bronx, where I watched some TV, ruminated on the annoyance of a largely wasted day in NYC, and fell asleep. I flew out the next morning, and landed without a hitch.
Today, my friend pops into ATL for a visit from Memphis. I have about six hours worth of cleaning to do and only three hours in which to do it. Doh!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
throwback
Earlier this month, RENT closed on Broadway after running for twelve and a half years. The final performance was filmed for posterity, and this weekend, that performance is being shown in movie theatres across the nation. This is not the flawed movie version put out three years ago -- this is the Broadway staging, with audience, as written.
I highly recommend you log on to The Hot Ticket and see if it is playing anywhere near you -- Tallahassee has it showing at the AMC at the mall through Sunday.
RENT defined a lot of who I was in my formative young adult years. It spoke to the sensibilities most people have when they are high school/college age -- that Utopian ideal of grasping on to every moment, dedicating yourself to your passions at whatever cost. As you grow older, though, the routine of life sets in... you go through the motions because that's just what you do. And for most people, that's fine.
Ten months ago, I became not-most-people. I saw RENT for the first time since my diagnosis tonight. It was like meeting up with a close friend I hadn't seen in years, and picking up exactly where you left off, connecting in that beautiful, intensely personal way you'd been missing for ages.
I've lived under this burden for the last ten months and I've just kept myself safe by hiding away... sticking to the routine, going through the motions. But I remember now what I connected to when I was young -- the urgency of life. And suddenly, it's relevant to me again. I'm ready to move forward, to move on to the next chapter, but I don't know quite how to do that. I want to embrace each day as it comes... and though I'm healthy now, I know that won't always be the case. There will be days where this thing gets the better of me. Watching the show tonight with a different pair of glasses on reminded me that I need to live without fear, regardless of whether I'm here for another fifty years or fifty days.
So if you go and see it -- look beyond the character flaws, the motivations, and (what can seem to be) indictments of the paths these characters took -- and search for the underlying message. The one that hit home for so many when RENT crashed the party twelve and a half years ago -- and the one that knocked me out of a conscious sleep tonight. And when you do, you may well figure out a little piece of where I'm coming from... and where I'm going next.
And when I do figure out how to embrace each day and be satisfied with it... I'll do my best to let you in on that secret.
I highly recommend you log on to The Hot Ticket and see if it is playing anywhere near you -- Tallahassee has it showing at the AMC at the mall through Sunday.
RENT defined a lot of who I was in my formative young adult years. It spoke to the sensibilities most people have when they are high school/college age -- that Utopian ideal of grasping on to every moment, dedicating yourself to your passions at whatever cost. As you grow older, though, the routine of life sets in... you go through the motions because that's just what you do. And for most people, that's fine.
Ten months ago, I became not-most-people. I saw RENT for the first time since my diagnosis tonight. It was like meeting up with a close friend I hadn't seen in years, and picking up exactly where you left off, connecting in that beautiful, intensely personal way you'd been missing for ages.
I've lived under this burden for the last ten months and I've just kept myself safe by hiding away... sticking to the routine, going through the motions. But I remember now what I connected to when I was young -- the urgency of life. And suddenly, it's relevant to me again. I'm ready to move forward, to move on to the next chapter, but I don't know quite how to do that. I want to embrace each day as it comes... and though I'm healthy now, I know that won't always be the case. There will be days where this thing gets the better of me. Watching the show tonight with a different pair of glasses on reminded me that I need to live without fear, regardless of whether I'm here for another fifty years or fifty days.
So if you go and see it -- look beyond the character flaws, the motivations, and (what can seem to be) indictments of the paths these characters took -- and search for the underlying message. The one that hit home for so many when RENT crashed the party twelve and a half years ago -- and the one that knocked me out of a conscious sleep tonight. And when you do, you may well figure out a little piece of where I'm coming from... and where I'm going next.
And when I do figure out how to embrace each day and be satisfied with it... I'll do my best to let you in on that secret.
psst
Oh, if I go kind of quiet over the next couple of days, it's because I'm NOT HERE!
A friend of mine is a flight attendant and has a layover in NYC and asked if I could come along and play tour guide, since he's never been.
Gee, a free trip to NYC? I guess I could... see ya Monday!
A friend of mine is a flight attendant and has a layover in NYC and asked if I could come along and play tour guide, since he's never been.
Gee, a free trip to NYC? I guess I could... see ya Monday!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
we hold these truths to be self evident
I don't mean for this blog to go all political, but I try to reflect what's going through my mind, and right now I'm thinking election. Check out the comments from the previous pithy entry...
I'm underwhelmed by both major candidates for president. I'm happy to give them both credit where credit is due, but there's some major issues I have with both. Obama's plans for small businesses are a sham. McCain's health care initiative is frightening to me -- particularly in light of my recent diagnosis.
And then, of course, there is the ultimate wedge issue of them all -- gay marriage. It riles up the loudest contingents of voters on both sides, though many people call it an unimportant, irrelevant issue in light of everything else going on. Accuse me of being biased all you want, but I think it may well be the most vital and relevant issue we are facing, and here is why:
Realistically speaking, if it were legal for me to get married, I doubt I ever would... so it isn't something I should be invested in, right? Wrong. It's a simple matter of equality. The yelling and screaming about religious morality and the like has no place in proper governance.
Gay men and women have as little control over their sexuality as black people have control over the color of their skin (Michael Jackson notwithstanding)... and as such, should not be denied the same rights afforded to the rest of the population should they choose to accept those rights. There are two arguments I've encountered when this comes up:
1) It's a state's rights issue.
Bull. Marriage is a federally recognized institution. Anything less is not equality, but mere pandering.
2) Marriage shouldn't be a federally recognized institution anyway.
Maybe you're right. But there's no major march to declassify it, and if there was it would never succeed. Marriage equality is the only other direction to go.
I accept civil unions as a transitional step, so long as the exact same rights and privileges are provided. But as the Supreme Court ruled years ago... separate but equal is not equal at all. Abolish marriage as a federal institution and make 'em all civil unions -- or don't do it at all.
In the face of all the millions of other things that are going on -- war, economic uncertainty, diplomatic strain, etc -- one may ask why I find this important or relevant at this juncture. Simply put -- the tenet of equality is what the United States was founded upon 232 years ago, and willful ignorance of that is dangerous. I'm not asking for special treatment. I'm simply asking for the same consideration provided to me and the person I love. When this is denied, our backs are being turned on the very foundations of what our country is supposed to represent. How can we uphold good standing in the other areas when we've gotten the fundamentals so wrong?
None of the major candidates running for president or VP pass this test. "Entering into a contract" does not equate tax breaks afforded to married couples, John McCain. "Hospital Visitations" is only a very small piece of the pie, Barack Obama. Someone needs to take the common sense, decent stance on this issue or I may have to run for office myself.
I'm underwhelmed by both major candidates for president. I'm happy to give them both credit where credit is due, but there's some major issues I have with both. Obama's plans for small businesses are a sham. McCain's health care initiative is frightening to me -- particularly in light of my recent diagnosis.
And then, of course, there is the ultimate wedge issue of them all -- gay marriage. It riles up the loudest contingents of voters on both sides, though many people call it an unimportant, irrelevant issue in light of everything else going on. Accuse me of being biased all you want, but I think it may well be the most vital and relevant issue we are facing, and here is why:
Realistically speaking, if it were legal for me to get married, I doubt I ever would... so it isn't something I should be invested in, right? Wrong. It's a simple matter of equality. The yelling and screaming about religious morality and the like has no place in proper governance.
Gay men and women have as little control over their sexuality as black people have control over the color of their skin (Michael Jackson notwithstanding)... and as such, should not be denied the same rights afforded to the rest of the population should they choose to accept those rights. There are two arguments I've encountered when this comes up:
1) It's a state's rights issue.
Bull. Marriage is a federally recognized institution. Anything less is not equality, but mere pandering.
2) Marriage shouldn't be a federally recognized institution anyway.
Maybe you're right. But there's no major march to declassify it, and if there was it would never succeed. Marriage equality is the only other direction to go.
I accept civil unions as a transitional step, so long as the exact same rights and privileges are provided. But as the Supreme Court ruled years ago... separate but equal is not equal at all. Abolish marriage as a federal institution and make 'em all civil unions -- or don't do it at all.
In the face of all the millions of other things that are going on -- war, economic uncertainty, diplomatic strain, etc -- one may ask why I find this important or relevant at this juncture. Simply put -- the tenet of equality is what the United States was founded upon 232 years ago, and willful ignorance of that is dangerous. I'm not asking for special treatment. I'm simply asking for the same consideration provided to me and the person I love. When this is denied, our backs are being turned on the very foundations of what our country is supposed to represent. How can we uphold good standing in the other areas when we've gotten the fundamentals so wrong?
None of the major candidates running for president or VP pass this test. "Entering into a contract" does not equate tax breaks afforded to married couples, John McCain. "Hospital Visitations" is only a very small piece of the pie, Barack Obama. Someone needs to take the common sense, decent stance on this issue or I may have to run for office myself.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
in a nutshell...
The current mortgage crisis, in layman's terms:
Lower Middle Class: OH HAI! I CAN HAS HOUS?
Bank: I HAS A SUBPRIME MORTGAGE OFFR 4 U. LET ME SHOW U IT.
Lower Middle Class: KOOL. LOL!
Couple years later...
Lower Middle Class: U MEANS I HAS TO PAY MORE EVERY MONTHS? FAIL
Bank: OH NOES! WE WERE COUNTIN ON UR PAYIN US
Lower Middle Class: NO, THEY BE TAKIN' MAH HOUS
Bank: ALL UR HOUSES ARE BELONG TO US. BUT NO ONE BUYIN'! FAIL
Sunday, August 31, 2008
tough week
I've been recovering all week from a cold that hung over me like fog in San Francisco. It's mostly gone, though I still have a coughing fit here and there. Bouncing around from work to errands to sleep while in a constant sickly-daze takes a lot out of you, and after work yesterday I came home and went to bed at 3:30 in the afternoon.
I woke up about five hours later and got burritos with my roommate. As we walked back in, my phone rang.
My best friend delivered the news that his ex, Manny, had died the night before. I wish I could say it was a shocking thing, but honestly, it wasn't. Manny had been slowly committing suicide for the past two years.
As a teenager, he developed a rather nasty drug and alcohol habit and essentially tore his insides to shreds. After one night too many in an ER, he pulled himself together and learned about the miracle of moderation. He dropped the hard stuff entirely and learned how to limit himself on the legal stuff. It was quite impressive, considering his chosen career as a sommelier. I met him a few weeks after N started dating him, and instantly liked the guy. As time went by, he became an extension of my best friend -- teaching me all about wine, meeting up for dinner, and being an all-around supportive, caring person.
Shortly after I left town, it started to go downhill. He had left his stable job to work at a posh private club that was just opening. After a disastrous start the club, bleeding money, let Manny go since they couldn't afford his paycheck. And that's where it began. His moderation went out the window. Certain forbidden items suddenly sprang up again.
He returned to some level of stability when he landed a new job, but six months later he was caught stealing from the wine cellar. It just got worse from there, until he was quaffing two liters of vodka a day, bouncing from job to job... including one for Gordon Ramsay. Gordon shoved him out the door after three days.
N couldn't take it anymore. He was paying the rent, the bills, and Manny was doing nothing but slowly self-destructing. Finally, after supporting him for six months like this, N presented an ultimatum... which was not met, and decided to break the lease.
The last time I saw Manny was shortly after this. He had dried blood around his nostrils and white powder in his nose. He was angry at N, and made a clumsy pass at me in his inebriated state. Two weeks later, he left New York and moved back in with his mother in Las Vegas.
Every once in a while we'd hear updates about how he was doing... it was always a roller coaster, and he never quite got it back together. The last two years were punctuated by hospital visits as one by one his internal organs signaled distress until this week when, finally, his liver and kidneys gave out for good. He passed away on Friday night.
I've been dealing with this through stunned silence. Perhaps it is that I have been mourning the loss of my friend for the past two years, and a sense of finality is more of a relief than anything else. I miss my friend a lot though, and I choose to remember the supportive, funny, goofy spirit I met at first rather than the broken and weak man he became.
Goodbye, Manny. I hope you have found peace again.
I woke up about five hours later and got burritos with my roommate. As we walked back in, my phone rang.
My best friend delivered the news that his ex, Manny, had died the night before. I wish I could say it was a shocking thing, but honestly, it wasn't. Manny had been slowly committing suicide for the past two years.
As a teenager, he developed a rather nasty drug and alcohol habit and essentially tore his insides to shreds. After one night too many in an ER, he pulled himself together and learned about the miracle of moderation. He dropped the hard stuff entirely and learned how to limit himself on the legal stuff. It was quite impressive, considering his chosen career as a sommelier. I met him a few weeks after N started dating him, and instantly liked the guy. As time went by, he became an extension of my best friend -- teaching me all about wine, meeting up for dinner, and being an all-around supportive, caring person.
Shortly after I left town, it started to go downhill. He had left his stable job to work at a posh private club that was just opening. After a disastrous start the club, bleeding money, let Manny go since they couldn't afford his paycheck. And that's where it began. His moderation went out the window. Certain forbidden items suddenly sprang up again.
He returned to some level of stability when he landed a new job, but six months later he was caught stealing from the wine cellar. It just got worse from there, until he was quaffing two liters of vodka a day, bouncing from job to job... including one for Gordon Ramsay. Gordon shoved him out the door after three days.
N couldn't take it anymore. He was paying the rent, the bills, and Manny was doing nothing but slowly self-destructing. Finally, after supporting him for six months like this, N presented an ultimatum... which was not met, and decided to break the lease.
The last time I saw Manny was shortly after this. He had dried blood around his nostrils and white powder in his nose. He was angry at N, and made a clumsy pass at me in his inebriated state. Two weeks later, he left New York and moved back in with his mother in Las Vegas.
Every once in a while we'd hear updates about how he was doing... it was always a roller coaster, and he never quite got it back together. The last two years were punctuated by hospital visits as one by one his internal organs signaled distress until this week when, finally, his liver and kidneys gave out for good. He passed away on Friday night.
I've been dealing with this through stunned silence. Perhaps it is that I have been mourning the loss of my friend for the past two years, and a sense of finality is more of a relief than anything else. I miss my friend a lot though, and I choose to remember the supportive, funny, goofy spirit I met at first rather than the broken and weak man he became.
Goodbye, Manny. I hope you have found peace again.
Monday, August 25, 2008
recommendations
First off, a few blogs I've stumbled on recently that make me laugh:
Cake Wrecks -- professionally made cakes that have gone horribly, horribly wrong.
It's Lovely! I'll Take It! -- culling only the very best from real estate listings on the Internet
Photoshop Disasters -- Photoshop is a fantastic program ... in the right hands. In the wrong ones, it's a cavalcade of deformity!
--
And following up on the diplomatic work question... well, it kind of worked itself out. Fay came to town and knocked a lot of the plans we'd made off kilter. I made my concerns known with what we proceeded with, and they were heeded.
I'm finally beginning to shake off this cold, too. Took long enough!
Cake Wrecks -- professionally made cakes that have gone horribly, horribly wrong.
It's Lovely! I'll Take It! -- culling only the very best from real estate listings on the Internet
Photoshop Disasters -- Photoshop is a fantastic program ... in the right hands. In the wrong ones, it's a cavalcade of deformity!
--
And following up on the diplomatic work question... well, it kind of worked itself out. Fay came to town and knocked a lot of the plans we'd made off kilter. I made my concerns known with what we proceeded with, and they were heeded.
I'm finally beginning to shake off this cold, too. Took long enough!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
business diplomacy question...
So... how do you gently object to a plan agreed on by the rest of the team that you just know is a terrible, terrible idea?
I don't want to seem like I'm just being contrary, and I don't really even have anything to back up my objections beyond gut instinct... I'd just rather not be associated with this fumble in the making.
I don't want to seem like I'm just being contrary, and I don't really even have anything to back up my objections beyond gut instinct... I'd just rather not be associated with this fumble in the making.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
tired...
I've shifted over to the morning shift for a little while at work, which means setting an alarm clock for 3:30am. That's some tough stuff, there.
And so far I'm surviving it. I almost feel like I might be a closet morning person, but having to go to bed by 7 or 8 pm can be a little stifling at times. Tomorrow I get to sleep in, relatively, since I don't have to be in until 10am... which means I can go do something fun tonight if I like. It's trivia night and I'd really like to go (I seem to do quite well on Tuesdays... three of the four times I've placed were on Tuesday), but oddly enough I don't feel like I have enough energy to sit still and think for two hours. Lying on the couch, vacating my mind while watching Big Brother and munching on pizza ordered in sounds far, far more appealing at this one moment in time... but that's terribly anti-social of me, isn't it? I'll take a shower and see if that invigorates me.
--
I've been meaning to post this but just never found a moment. Gotta give credit where credit is due, and many were quite surprised when George W. Bush signed off on this... read:
US triples AIDS funds for poor countries
So while this is still only a change made on paper at this point, it's a step in the right direction.
Good work, George.
When was the last time someone said that to ya?
And so far I'm surviving it. I almost feel like I might be a closet morning person, but having to go to bed by 7 or 8 pm can be a little stifling at times. Tomorrow I get to sleep in, relatively, since I don't have to be in until 10am... which means I can go do something fun tonight if I like. It's trivia night and I'd really like to go (I seem to do quite well on Tuesdays... three of the four times I've placed were on Tuesday), but oddly enough I don't feel like I have enough energy to sit still and think for two hours. Lying on the couch, vacating my mind while watching Big Brother and munching on pizza ordered in sounds far, far more appealing at this one moment in time... but that's terribly anti-social of me, isn't it? I'll take a shower and see if that invigorates me.
--
I've been meaning to post this but just never found a moment. Gotta give credit where credit is due, and many were quite surprised when George W. Bush signed off on this... read:
US triples AIDS funds for poor countries
"US President George W Bush has signed legislation tripling funds to fight the killer diseases of AIDS, malaria and tuberculosis in the world's poorest countries, mainly in Africa.There's a hitch, though -- this change only updates the immigration code to excise the ban, which was signed in 1993 by Clinton (interesting backstory on that, too, which I won't get into right now). The original regulatory ban through the Department of Health and Human Services remains in tact, exactly as was enacted by Reagan in 1987, and can still be enforced.
Congress approved a package earlier this month which lifted funding for the five-year program from $US15 billion ($A15.76 billion), set in 2003, to the $US48 billion ($A50.44 billion) signed into law by Bush.
The new program drops a requirement for one-third of the anti-AIDS funds to be used to promote sexual abstinence and lifts a ban on HIV-positive foreigners entering the United States.
Eric Friedman, the senior global health policy advisor for Physicians for Human Rights (PHR), praised the bill for lifting the travel ban on HIV-positive visitors, saying it had "been an embarrassment to this country for many years".
Gay rights group, Human Rights Campaign, also hailed the repeal of the US-entry ban on HIV-positive visitors and immigrants, which has stood since 1987.
"We appreciate the president signing the repeal of this unjust and sweeping policy that deems HIV-positive individuals inadmissible to the United States," said Human Rights Campaign president Joe Solmonese.
"The HIV travel and immigration ban performs no public health service, is unnecessary and ineffective," he added.
So while this is still only a change made on paper at this point, it's a step in the right direction.
Good work, George.
When was the last time someone said that to ya?
Saturday, July 26, 2008
on the road
Its my first time posting from my shiny new phone so excuse any odd typos. I haven't quite gotten the hang of the touchscreen keyboard yet, but I'm improving. It does a pretty good job of autocorrecting most of the time though.
I've spent the last week recovering from my surgery. Pretty painful procedure, worse than when I had my wisdoms taken out. I foolishly thought I might be able to go back to work after the procedure. That went out the door when the doc said to get my pain killers immediately after or I'd be in tears of pain when the novacaine wore off. I didn't make it in time. I thought I'd go to walmart to save a few bucks which was an idiot move. It took them two hours to fill the prescription. Now I generally have a pretty high pain tolerance, but after 20 minutes of waiting the novo wore off. Doc wasn't kidding. I called my brothers in hopes they would have something more potent than tylenol since they lived little more than a mile away. 10 minutes later my big brother rolled up in his new snazzy ride and took me away to apply ice packs and ibuprofen. I am eternally grateful.
(off the phone, back to the computer now)
Eventually, the pills were ready, so my nephew carted me back to Wal-Mart and then to home. Suffice to say, I did not go to work that night. I conked out at home and feasted on way overcooked macaroni and cheese.
Now, a week later, I'm feeling much better in general, though guffaws and laughter are still kind of rough. It would figure that I'd stumble across some of the most amusing YouTube videos would appear this week, too, including the Muppets newest foray into Internet videos:
Or this news clip of John McCain knocking over a grocery shelf full of applesauce:
--
Finally, my formerly broken arm has been perking up and asking for attention again. Jealous of the teeth, I guess. It started swelling up last night and just standard motions, like picking up a glass, are oddly painful. I'm calling my ortho in the AM to see if he can fit me in. At my last visit back in November, he mentioned that there was a possibility that the screws holding the metal plates in place could come loose... which would require another surgery to removed them. Ick. Let's hope it's just internal scar tissue acting up because of the recent rain storms.
I've spent the last week recovering from my surgery. Pretty painful procedure, worse than when I had my wisdoms taken out. I foolishly thought I might be able to go back to work after the procedure. That went out the door when the doc said to get my pain killers immediately after or I'd be in tears of pain when the novacaine wore off. I didn't make it in time. I thought I'd go to walmart to save a few bucks which was an idiot move. It took them two hours to fill the prescription. Now I generally have a pretty high pain tolerance, but after 20 minutes of waiting the novo wore off. Doc wasn't kidding. I called my brothers in hopes they would have something more potent than tylenol since they lived little more than a mile away. 10 minutes later my big brother rolled up in his new snazzy ride and took me away to apply ice packs and ibuprofen. I am eternally grateful.
(off the phone, back to the computer now)
Eventually, the pills were ready, so my nephew carted me back to Wal-Mart and then to home. Suffice to say, I did not go to work that night. I conked out at home and feasted on way overcooked macaroni and cheese.
Now, a week later, I'm feeling much better in general, though guffaws and laughter are still kind of rough. It would figure that I'd stumble across some of the most amusing YouTube videos would appear this week, too, including the Muppets newest foray into Internet videos:
Or this news clip of John McCain knocking over a grocery shelf full of applesauce:
--
Finally, my formerly broken arm has been perking up and asking for attention again. Jealous of the teeth, I guess. It started swelling up last night and just standard motions, like picking up a glass, are oddly painful. I'm calling my ortho in the AM to see if he can fit me in. At my last visit back in November, he mentioned that there was a possibility that the screws holding the metal plates in place could come loose... which would require another surgery to removed them. Ick. Let's hope it's just internal scar tissue acting up because of the recent rain storms.
Friday, July 18, 2008
i did it...
I yielded to temptation. Six and a half hours waiting in in line...and honestly?
TOTALLY worth it. What a great little piece of machinery! Can't wait to show it off to everyone. It meant switching over to AT&T from T-Mobile and losing my old NYC phone number I've had for five years... but it was time to give up the ghost. I'm now an Atlanta local... whether I like it or not! Tomorrow begins the process of notifying everyone of the new line before cutting off the old one.
I'm quite proud of myself for a minor accomplishment that got acknowledged today -- I've been working over the last few years on correcting my credit. AT&T has been doing credit checks lately and requiring some pretty large deposits (up to $1,000) if you're not up to snuff. There's a lot of buzz on the web about that. They ran my credit, and came back clean enough for me to walk out without having to put down a deposit. Not perfect, but a great improvement! Five years ago I'd have been in that top tier of "must pay" people.
Waiting on that line also gave me a minute to think that if this whole career path I'm on right now goes off the rails at some point in the future (don't read into that, everything is fine) perhaps managing an Apple Store would be a direction to head in. Apple pays fairly well, offers good perks, and would be a product I could get behind easily. Plus, the air of excitement and anticipation while we waited in that line made it very fun. The kid who took care of me had been run ragged for six hours and looked like he was having the time of his life.
--
And to follow up on the dentist thing, I went on Thursday morning, and I like her alright. It was a fairly short visit and she didn't really *do* anything but take an x-ray and diagnose the problem. I have to go to an oral surgeon on Monday to correct my root canal, which has gotten itself a little infected. Need to cut open the gum to do that, so there ya go. Ugh.
TOTALLY worth it. What a great little piece of machinery! Can't wait to show it off to everyone. It meant switching over to AT&T from T-Mobile and losing my old NYC phone number I've had for five years... but it was time to give up the ghost. I'm now an Atlanta local... whether I like it or not! Tomorrow begins the process of notifying everyone of the new line before cutting off the old one.
I'm quite proud of myself for a minor accomplishment that got acknowledged today -- I've been working over the last few years on correcting my credit. AT&T has been doing credit checks lately and requiring some pretty large deposits (up to $1,000) if you're not up to snuff. There's a lot of buzz on the web about that. They ran my credit, and came back clean enough for me to walk out without having to put down a deposit. Not perfect, but a great improvement! Five years ago I'd have been in that top tier of "must pay" people.
Waiting on that line also gave me a minute to think that if this whole career path I'm on right now goes off the rails at some point in the future (don't read into that, everything is fine) perhaps managing an Apple Store would be a direction to head in. Apple pays fairly well, offers good perks, and would be a product I could get behind easily. Plus, the air of excitement and anticipation while we waited in that line made it very fun. The kid who took care of me had been run ragged for six hours and looked like he was having the time of his life.
--
And to follow up on the dentist thing, I went on Thursday morning, and I like her alright. It was a fairly short visit and she didn't really *do* anything but take an x-ray and diagnose the problem. I have to go to an oral surgeon on Monday to correct my root canal, which has gotten itself a little infected. Need to cut open the gum to do that, so there ya go. Ugh.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
temptation
One result of last year's big bike crash was that I broke my two front teeth in half. I lisped for a week before I got seen by a dentist. I lucked out and found an extraordinary technician who took me on at a moment's notice, and a few weeks later I was fitted with some of the best, most natural looking and feeling crowns a person could hope for. In October, his practice opted out of my insurance network, and I had to find someone new.
The problem was, there wasn't anyone else who was any good in my network. I do my homework through sites like Kudzu, Yelp, and Citysearch. After my amazing dentist opted out, I was reassigned to "Great Expressions" and through a cursory glance through my review sites, found they were rated one star out of five across all three. Horror stories of surly staff, dirty offices, and incomplete dental work pervaded. Some of the alternatives to Great Expressions weren't much better, including one tale of a dentist who pumped a patient full of novocaine, left the room and didn't come back for ninety minutes. I didn't have any problems so I let it be for the time.
A few days ago, though, my crowns started hurting, and my gums started swelling. I've had to wear a scowl for the past three days because it hurt to smile. I dug through my list again and couldn't find anyone I felt comfortable entrusting my teeth to. Finally, on the recommendation of a co-worker, I found one in network that's fairly accesible by MARTA. No reviews on the Internet, so I really don't know what I'm getting into here... but tomorrow morning I'm in for my first visit, and I hope it's a good one that doesn't eat away at my bank account too much, because...
I need a new phone. My BlackBerry has been slowly losing bits of functionality... endless hourglass spins, broken trackball that won't go left for some reason, poor reception... frustrating, since I only just got it six months ago. If I'm going to have a phone, though, I need one that *works* and does what I want/need it to do.
Of course, this would HAVE to happen the week after the new iPhone 3G comes out. I'm fighting the temptation to wait three hours in line to get one, but after playing with one at the Apple Store earlier this week, I think it's right for me. I know a lot of people who have the original and every one of them says it's the best phone they've ever had. The service plan is only a few bucks more a month than what I'm currently paying, and the phone itself is cheaper than what my crumbling BlackBerry cost six months ago. It just might be worth it.
What's that old Oscar Wilde saying? The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it...
The problem was, there wasn't anyone else who was any good in my network. I do my homework through sites like Kudzu, Yelp, and Citysearch. After my amazing dentist opted out, I was reassigned to "Great Expressions" and through a cursory glance through my review sites, found they were rated one star out of five across all three. Horror stories of surly staff, dirty offices, and incomplete dental work pervaded. Some of the alternatives to Great Expressions weren't much better, including one tale of a dentist who pumped a patient full of novocaine, left the room and didn't come back for ninety minutes. I didn't have any problems so I let it be for the time.
A few days ago, though, my crowns started hurting, and my gums started swelling. I've had to wear a scowl for the past three days because it hurt to smile. I dug through my list again and couldn't find anyone I felt comfortable entrusting my teeth to. Finally, on the recommendation of a co-worker, I found one in network that's fairly accesible by MARTA. No reviews on the Internet, so I really don't know what I'm getting into here... but tomorrow morning I'm in for my first visit, and I hope it's a good one that doesn't eat away at my bank account too much, because...
I need a new phone. My BlackBerry has been slowly losing bits of functionality... endless hourglass spins, broken trackball that won't go left for some reason, poor reception... frustrating, since I only just got it six months ago. If I'm going to have a phone, though, I need one that *works* and does what I want/need it to do.
Of course, this would HAVE to happen the week after the new iPhone 3G comes out. I'm fighting the temptation to wait three hours in line to get one, but after playing with one at the Apple Store earlier this week, I think it's right for me. I know a lot of people who have the original and every one of them says it's the best phone they've ever had. The service plan is only a few bucks more a month than what I'm currently paying, and the phone itself is cheaper than what my crumbling BlackBerry cost six months ago. It just might be worth it.
What's that old Oscar Wilde saying? The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it...
Friday, July 4, 2008
tough things to say out loud
I started this last week, but only just getting around to finishing it. Busy, busy! Excuse the dated references, so to speak...
---
It's the waning hours of July 4th, a day where we all stop and acknowledge our appreciation of our country's history and freedoms by shooting off big zoomy things that fly up into the sky and go boom. Eat your heart out, Guy Fawkes!
In Atlanta, July 4th this year also marks the kickoff of Gay Pride weekend, a little late this time around thanks to the drought shutting down Piedmont Park. Pride is always an enjoyable time for me -- aside from the eye candy that flies in from all over the southeast, there's a wonderful sense of camaraderie and community that often lacks other times of the year.
The story that follows isn't the one a couple of my siblings tell -- theirs are embellished for effect, I think.
My being gay has never been a source of shame or angst for me. I was lucky to grow up in the times I did. During high school, Ellen came out on national TV, Tallahassee got its first gay bar, and the fall after my graduation, Will and Grace debuted on NBC.
I remember watching The Puppy Episode of Ellen (for the uninitiated, that's the coming out episode) in 1997 with my mother. After it was over, she said (more to herself than me, I think) "That takes such courage. Good for her." I was still on the journey of self-discovery (though pretty certain at that point) and hearing her say that eased any queasiness I may have had. A few months later, when I'd finally figured it out, I nonchalantly mentioned it to my parents at breakfast one day.
Unknown to me at the time, I apparently set off a private firestorm with my parents, who fretted and worried quietly. My dad talked to me a bit about it a few days later. I realized it wasn't easy for him to comprehend, so I put it the only way I knew how: "Why would I wake up one day and choose to be a social pariah? I know what I'm getting into, but I can't really help it."
And that was it, on my end. I didn't find it important to have a big coming out episode or announcement... if it happened to come up in the course of conversation, I didn't lie. But it was amusing to me how people would sometimes delicately dance around the topic but never outright ask.
Finally, my sister did over lunch at a Mexican restaurant. I'd asked her for advice on how to handle telling my parents I was moving to NYC. We chatted for a good long while about that, shifted gears a few times to other subjects, and then out of nowhere...
"By the way, are you gay?"
*pause*
"Uh...yes. Pass the nachos!"
And that was that. Word spread around the rest of the family, confirming that which they were already aware of. Some took more time to adjust than others. In my adult life, I've never once felt ashamed of who I am because of the love and acceptance my family and the gay community gave me. I own myself, and I'm proud of it.
--
Recently, this all came right back into sharper focus. I finally had my moment. I understood what all that fear and apprehension that gets attached to coming out of the closet was all about. I learned something about myself that was terrifying and difficult. I couldn't come to terms with it by myself. I needed to talk.
It's the reason why I moved to a new blog space. Everything shifted for me at the end of November, 2007... but I haven't written it down in words for people to see. It's time, though. I have to take my ownership back.
I am HIV-positive.
I'm getting to be OK with that.
Own it, JR. Own it.
---
It's the waning hours of July 4th, a day where we all stop and acknowledge our appreciation of our country's history and freedoms by shooting off big zoomy things that fly up into the sky and go boom. Eat your heart out, Guy Fawkes!
In Atlanta, July 4th this year also marks the kickoff of Gay Pride weekend, a little late this time around thanks to the drought shutting down Piedmont Park. Pride is always an enjoyable time for me -- aside from the eye candy that flies in from all over the southeast, there's a wonderful sense of camaraderie and community that often lacks other times of the year.
The story that follows isn't the one a couple of my siblings tell -- theirs are embellished for effect, I think.
My being gay has never been a source of shame or angst for me. I was lucky to grow up in the times I did. During high school, Ellen came out on national TV, Tallahassee got its first gay bar, and the fall after my graduation, Will and Grace debuted on NBC.
I remember watching The Puppy Episode of Ellen (for the uninitiated, that's the coming out episode) in 1997 with my mother. After it was over, she said (more to herself than me, I think) "That takes such courage. Good for her." I was still on the journey of self-discovery (though pretty certain at that point) and hearing her say that eased any queasiness I may have had. A few months later, when I'd finally figured it out, I nonchalantly mentioned it to my parents at breakfast one day.
Unknown to me at the time, I apparently set off a private firestorm with my parents, who fretted and worried quietly. My dad talked to me a bit about it a few days later. I realized it wasn't easy for him to comprehend, so I put it the only way I knew how: "Why would I wake up one day and choose to be a social pariah? I know what I'm getting into, but I can't really help it."
And that was it, on my end. I didn't find it important to have a big coming out episode or announcement... if it happened to come up in the course of conversation, I didn't lie. But it was amusing to me how people would sometimes delicately dance around the topic but never outright ask.
Finally, my sister did over lunch at a Mexican restaurant. I'd asked her for advice on how to handle telling my parents I was moving to NYC. We chatted for a good long while about that, shifted gears a few times to other subjects, and then out of nowhere...
"By the way, are you gay?"
*pause*
"Uh...yes. Pass the nachos!"
And that was that. Word spread around the rest of the family, confirming that which they were already aware of. Some took more time to adjust than others. In my adult life, I've never once felt ashamed of who I am because of the love and acceptance my family and the gay community gave me. I own myself, and I'm proud of it.
--
Recently, this all came right back into sharper focus. I finally had my moment. I understood what all that fear and apprehension that gets attached to coming out of the closet was all about. I learned something about myself that was terrifying and difficult. I couldn't come to terms with it by myself. I needed to talk.
It's the reason why I moved to a new blog space. Everything shifted for me at the end of November, 2007... but I haven't written it down in words for people to see. It's time, though. I have to take my ownership back.
I am HIV-positive.
I'm getting to be OK with that.
Own it, JR. Own it.
Friday, June 27, 2008
all in the timing
So... if you or anyone you know is looking to join my gym... this weekend is a really good one to do it.
The entire sales staff was fired today.
I'm running the scene for the next few days. Boss lady returns Tuesday.
The entire sales staff was fired today.
I'm running the scene for the next few days. Boss lady returns Tuesday.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
The house I grew up in is back on the market again!
My parents sold the house to a couple of flippers, who came in and basically gutted the place and sold it a year or so later. There's a couple of photos on the website that show some of the changes, and some of it is completely unrecognizable to me. There's a photo of what I guess is the master bathroom which has two sinks, but hell if I know how they did it -- there was absolutely no room for that in the house I know! I like what they did with the kitchen and the new porch attached to the back is quite lovely, but my father's gorgeous gardens are gone. A wall has been built between the dining room and the sitting room, which makes both rooms far too small. I'm dying to know what they did with the basement, which was for most of my adolescence my domain, but there are no pictures. I may have to sneak down one of these weekends if there's an open house.
The Home I Don't Know Anymore
--
A special call out to my sister, who got harvested of her gall bladder this weekend. Get better quick!
My parents sold the house to a couple of flippers, who came in and basically gutted the place and sold it a year or so later. There's a couple of photos on the website that show some of the changes, and some of it is completely unrecognizable to me. There's a photo of what I guess is the master bathroom which has two sinks, but hell if I know how they did it -- there was absolutely no room for that in the house I know! I like what they did with the kitchen and the new porch attached to the back is quite lovely, but my father's gorgeous gardens are gone. A wall has been built between the dining room and the sitting room, which makes both rooms far too small. I'm dying to know what they did with the basement, which was for most of my adolescence my domain, but there are no pictures. I may have to sneak down one of these weekends if there's an open house.
The Home I Don't Know Anymore
--
A special call out to my sister, who got harvested of her gall bladder this weekend. Get better quick!
Friday, June 20, 2008
got a few minutes?
In 2003, Matt Harding decided he wasn't enjoying what he was doing anymore, so he quit his job and started traveling the world. He took his digital camera with him and grabbed random strangers on the street to video tape him in the various locales he visited. But after a while, he felt like just video of him standing there waving at the camera wasn't very interesting, so he made up a little dance instead. When he got home, he edited it into a video, and what resulted is the first true YouTube phenomenon. After the first video, Matt was offered corporate sponsorship from Stride Gum, of all people, to make a second. The second remains one of the most watched videos in YouTube history, logging over nine million views. The third was released this morning, and in the course of less than 24 hours (as of this writing) it has already logged 302,000 views.
It is perhaps one of the simplest, most brilliant and inspiring things you may ever see, and it inexplicably makes me cry every time I see it.
Where The Hell Is Matt?!?
The original:
Part II:
The newest in the series:
It is perhaps one of the simplest, most brilliant and inspiring things you may ever see, and it inexplicably makes me cry every time I see it.
Where The Hell Is Matt?!?
The original:
Part II:
The newest in the series:
Saturday, May 31, 2008
more and more
It just gets more and more interesting at work these days. Two people get the ax this coming week and not a minute too soon (actually, about eight months too late in both cases). There's been a lot of speculation that our region wasn't safe from closure (which turned out to be completely true -- there was more than one conversation about selling us [and only us] off to the highest bidder), which has just been laid to rest, and we're secure. And just recently, I found out I've been shortlisted for a MAJOR promotion. My boss is saying that after three years of stellar work, the higher ups are finally beginning to notice me and taking what I have to say with TWO grains of salt instead of one.
Healthwise, I was worried coming off my vacation time last week that I was coming down with strep once again -- I got that familiar tinge in my throat. It never developed any further, though, so I'll chalk it up to readjusting to the Southern pollen. I'm feeling quite good these days.
Oh, and my vacation! Glorious. I got to see some really terrific theatre, pal around with my dearest friends, and just get my mind off of everything that's spinning around up there for a few days.
June and July are going to be intense and exciting times which may make me more distant than usual (if possible!) but it's all going to be really good, positive things coming my way. Wish me luck!
Healthwise, I was worried coming off my vacation time last week that I was coming down with strep once again -- I got that familiar tinge in my throat. It never developed any further, though, so I'll chalk it up to readjusting to the Southern pollen. I'm feeling quite good these days.
Oh, and my vacation! Glorious. I got to see some really terrific theatre, pal around with my dearest friends, and just get my mind off of everything that's spinning around up there for a few days.
June and July are going to be intense and exciting times which may make me more distant than usual (if possible!) but it's all going to be really good, positive things coming my way. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
CRASH!
I got one of those discomforting phone calls last night from my roommate last night as I was finishing up at work.
"COME HOME, NOW!" was his opening line.
A truck, presumably stolen, had cut through the parking lot of the building next to ours, blasted through the fence and crashed into our building. Our neighbor in #3 (we're #4) was asleep when the truck slammed into his bedroom wall. The driver fled on foot. Our neighbor is fine, though he and his upstairs neighbor obviously had to be evacuated from the building. There's some major damage to the brickwork, though amazingly, the truck itself sustained very little damage. We need to get a buildings inspector out to verify the stability of the rest of the building.
Everyone's fine, though. Could have been much, much worse.
Photos of the damage HERE
Roomie got photos before they towed away the truck, I'll try to get those up later on tonight.
"COME HOME, NOW!" was his opening line.
A truck, presumably stolen, had cut through the parking lot of the building next to ours, blasted through the fence and crashed into our building. Our neighbor in #3 (we're #4) was asleep when the truck slammed into his bedroom wall. The driver fled on foot. Our neighbor is fine, though he and his upstairs neighbor obviously had to be evacuated from the building. There's some major damage to the brickwork, though amazingly, the truck itself sustained very little damage. We need to get a buildings inspector out to verify the stability of the rest of the building.
Everyone's fine, though. Could have been much, much worse.
Photos of the damage HERE
Roomie got photos before they towed away the truck, I'll try to get those up later on tonight.
Poor Hillary. She was the Dems best hope for winning the election this year. I like Obama but he's going to be like a calf to the slaughter and my guess is the Democrats will be having a severe case of buyers remorse in about four months.
I like John McCain well enough too, but this campaign is really going to be a race to see who can shove their foot in their mouth most often and quickly. Between Barry O's empty rhetoric and McCain's statement that we went to war for oil, it's a pouncing pundit's dream race. There's gonna be a lot to seize upon this summer.
In the meantime, though:
I like John McCain well enough too, but this campaign is really going to be a race to see who can shove their foot in their mouth most often and quickly. Between Barry O's empty rhetoric and McCain's statement that we went to war for oil, it's a pouncing pundit's dream race. There's gonna be a lot to seize upon this summer.
In the meantime, though:
Saturday, April 19, 2008
checking in...
In case you were worried, yes, I'm still alive and around. I've been quite busy, actually. It's nice to have other things to think about. I'm beginning to inch out of this hermit crab phase I've been in and starting to feel a bit more human again.
I had another doctor's appointment on Monday, and things are pretty much where they should be right now. Had a pneumonia vaccination, too, so that won't happen again any time soon.
I've been fighting with my bank over an unauthorized charge for the past week, and today, I finally won. The charge was a computer mistake on the merchant's part. The day after, while the transaction was still pending, I had the merchant on the phone with the bank, verifying that this was an improper charge and to remove it completely and refund any outstanding service charges. The bank did, only to take it and several more service charges from my account again two days later. The merchant issued an immediate refund, and after transferring to three different supervisors on the phone this morning, the bank finally acknowledged that it was negligence on their part for not blocking the service charges and refunded the charges. Good thing, too; I need to go shoe shopping today.
I'm planning a three day weekend next week and maybe a few vacation days next month. I've been going full steam lately and I'm beginning to burn out.
I had another doctor's appointment on Monday, and things are pretty much where they should be right now. Had a pneumonia vaccination, too, so that won't happen again any time soon.
I've been fighting with my bank over an unauthorized charge for the past week, and today, I finally won. The charge was a computer mistake on the merchant's part. The day after, while the transaction was still pending, I had the merchant on the phone with the bank, verifying that this was an improper charge and to remove it completely and refund any outstanding service charges. The bank did, only to take it and several more service charges from my account again two days later. The merchant issued an immediate refund, and after transferring to three different supervisors on the phone this morning, the bank finally acknowledged that it was negligence on their part for not blocking the service charges and refunded the charges. Good thing, too; I need to go shoe shopping today.
I'm planning a three day weekend next week and maybe a few vacation days next month. I've been going full steam lately and I'm beginning to burn out.
Friday, March 28, 2008
both sides now
I'm still not quite ready to share much yet, but I will share this with you. I hope you get as much out of it as I do.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
what it means
The new title, Saturn Returns, makes reference to many things... one being the song I quoted below in the first entry -- rebirth mixed with mourning mixed with just a tinge of optimism for things to come.
A second, more literary reference is the astrological phenomena known as Saturn Return. In our solar calendar, Saturn makes one trip around the sun approximately every 29 years. In astrology, Saturn is associated with the passage of time, challenge, fear, doubt, confusion, difficulty, seriousness, heaviness, unwanted burdens and hard lessons. So, it is said that around the ages of 27-31, when Saturn is in approximately the same astral position as it was when you were first born, and the result is a period of trial and tribulation which puts our coping skills to the maximum test and ultimately sets a course in defining who you are for the next stage of your life. As a result, you emerge on the other side of this phase with the positive aspects Saturn is associated with: structure, significance, accomplishment, reflection, power, prestige, maturity, responsibility and order.
I've never placed any credence or faith in astrology, but there are occasions where it puts a name to a fairly universal theme. It fits.
This, however, will be a slow start. Three months ago, I became aware of some tremendous, life altering realities which I've still not fully adjusted to... so I've been in hiding ever since while I try to sort things out in my head. I've been depressed, which is to be expected... just another bump in the road. When I get like this, though, I isolate myself a great deal. I don't like to inflict my problems on anyone else... I'll tell them what they need to know and handle it myself, and if I need help, I'll ask for it. I'm not so full of pride that I can't do that.
My brother once told me that the worst day of his life was also the best day of his life, because that was the day that gave him the foundation to become who he is now.
I know what he means by that, but I can't say I've fully grasped it. I'm learning, though.
A second, more literary reference is the astrological phenomena known as Saturn Return. In our solar calendar, Saturn makes one trip around the sun approximately every 29 years. In astrology, Saturn is associated with the passage of time, challenge, fear, doubt, confusion, difficulty, seriousness, heaviness, unwanted burdens and hard lessons. So, it is said that around the ages of 27-31, when Saturn is in approximately the same astral position as it was when you were first born, and the result is a period of trial and tribulation which puts our coping skills to the maximum test and ultimately sets a course in defining who you are for the next stage of your life. As a result, you emerge on the other side of this phase with the positive aspects Saturn is associated with: structure, significance, accomplishment, reflection, power, prestige, maturity, responsibility and order.
I've never placed any credence or faith in astrology, but there are occasions where it puts a name to a fairly universal theme. It fits.
This, however, will be a slow start. Three months ago, I became aware of some tremendous, life altering realities which I've still not fully adjusted to... so I've been in hiding ever since while I try to sort things out in my head. I've been depressed, which is to be expected... just another bump in the road. When I get like this, though, I isolate myself a great deal. I don't like to inflict my problems on anyone else... I'll tell them what they need to know and handle it myself, and if I need help, I'll ask for it. I'm not so full of pride that I can't do that.
My brother once told me that the worst day of his life was also the best day of his life, because that was the day that gave him the foundation to become who he is now.
I know what he means by that, but I can't say I've fully grasped it. I'm learning, though.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
I am
Long ago, I tasted something sweet.
It's an echo, it's a memory in retreat.
Like a feeling of fullness,
Like the knowing of quiet fortitude, of ancient heroes.
It was something I trusted somehow.
And now:
And now I am, I am, I am, I am.
I am the rise of Icarus.
I am the fall from Pegasus.
I am the lost Leander in the tide.
I am cold, alone, and set apart.
And I am warm as Hero's heart.
I am a circle
I am Saturn purified!
Once around the sun and now at last I see it!
This is what I am.
Long ago I left myself and now I try to return
As a stranger to a strange land and to the burn.
But the hollow inside me
Might be there to guide me
Home again,
Back to something sweet,
An opening, a passage way to guide me home.
-- Saturn Returns by Adam Guettel, from Myths and Hymns, 1998
It's an echo, it's a memory in retreat.
Like a feeling of fullness,
Like the knowing of quiet fortitude, of ancient heroes.
It was something I trusted somehow.
And now:
And now I am, I am, I am, I am.
I am the rise of Icarus.
I am the fall from Pegasus.
I am the lost Leander in the tide.
I am cold, alone, and set apart.
And I am warm as Hero's heart.
I am a circle
I am Saturn purified!
Once around the sun and now at last I see it!
This is what I am.
Long ago I left myself and now I try to return
As a stranger to a strange land and to the burn.
But the hollow inside me
Might be there to guide me
Home again,
Back to something sweet,
An opening, a passage way to guide me home.
-- Saturn Returns by Adam Guettel, from Myths and Hymns, 1998
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