packing it in

I started writing an entry last night -- four different versions of it, in fact -- but couldn't adequately describe the thought processes that were bouncing around my head. A lot of back and forth with some kind of existential questions, and what's better to pursue. I think I'm landing at a couple of answers but a lot relies upon how things play out the next couple of weeks. I finally just called a friend of mine who happens to be working towards a doctorate in psychology. I more or less vomited out all the things that were bouncing around in my head, and I feel much better for it.

And today, I started working on a big project -- packing. One thing that is certain is that at the end of August I will no longer be living where I am now. Granted, I don't know the destination yet. Maybe it's across town, maybe it's across the country. But I know I'm going somewhere, and with that knowledge secure I thought perhaps it's a good time to start preparing for it. I grabbed some boxes and various tools and started getting to work.

I keep things. I emptied out my bookshelf and found all kinds of little oddities and treasures... mostly stuff that I really, really don't need anymore. Paystubs from 1998. Old notebooks with notes from various trainings at restaurants. Scribbled design ideas when I was doing websites. Slips of paper with phone numbers on it (who on earth is Rex?). And this gem:



This must be from second or third grade. It's a picture of the Capitol building in Tallahassee, Florida. I think it was supposed to be for a Springtime Tallahassee logo contest my art teacher decided to enter us into -- hence the musical notes floating oddly above the offices in a cloud of white poo. And the old Capitol building there in the foreground looks oddly phallic. But to be fair, the actual building does kind of look like a penis.

Oh...and the Robbie File. Robbie was the ex-boyfriend, now convicted felon. He got himself in deep with his schemes, and got caught shortly after I broke up with him. I played an unwitting role in his getting caught, actually. That was unfortunate, because Robbie, bitter at being dumped, decided to implicate me and since I was already in the middle of it, it made sense to the people looking into it. I didn't actually do anything I was accused of, but the outward appearances and Robbie's manipulations made it look like I had. I look back on it now and kick myself repeatedly for how stupidly I handled that -- but it was all I was equipped to do at the time. I just wanted it all to be over and done and took the first opportunity to close it out that I could. In retrospect, that was dumb, dumb, dumb. An expensive lesson.

I kept a file of things from that time. Correspondence, bits and pieces of evidence. I handed all this stuff over to investigators and lawyers trying to clear myself but no one really seemed to give that much of a damn. I still had it, nearly ten years later. I've found things much older; journals, photos, trinkets and toys... they're worth keeping. But this is one thing I think it's is time to leave behind. Gladly.