as the spin bike turns

I got my unofficial heads up earlier today -- the days are very numbered. Though short on specifics, a very reliable source has said it's all but a signature away.

It's funny, too -- this past week has been one trauma after another. Catching employees stealing or forging, other employees getting arrested for non-work related problems, endless phone calls from hired counsel trying to salvage long-defunct memberships for cheapskate members... after the conference call yesterday to announce the bankruptcy, it all just sort of rolled off my back. And then today's call (which did not come from the company, by the way -- a well placed source who's been looking out for me)...I'm relieved. After the pile of shit I've had to wade through for the last month, I can finally just relax and know that soon, it'll all be history, and I can pursue the next chapter of my life unbridled.

This perspective, however, will be short lived. Already, I know that I need to cancel a dentist appointment for Monday tomorrow because that extra change in my pocket will be vital in a few weeks time. One never knows when he'll have to jump on a plane for an interview at a moment's notice.

And I must say... THANK GOD for the COBRA subsidy that was included in the stimulus package. It's likely that come July, I will be going on meds. Without insurance of some kind I would never be able to afford them. The subsidy runs for nine months... more than enough time to find a new position and secure a new insurance package...we hope.

And oddly enough, should that rotten day come that I do lose my insurance... the best thing for me to do would probably be to move back to NYC. There are numerous organizations that exist solely for this type of situation -- most notably, the Callen Lourde Community Health Center.

In the meantime, I'm running out the clock...waiting for better days. And flossing a little extra to make up for that missed dentist's appointment.

bankrupt

Oops.

My company filed for bankruptcy this morning. "Business as usual" is our operational mantra at the moment.

Now taking all bets on how long I'll stay employed with them!

decisions, decisions...

So the NYC job, for now, is a no-go. They'd already settled on a candidate but posted the ad to be safe. Oh well.

I'm at a crossroads with work right now. Everyone knows that the end is coming, but there's no indication that it'll be soon. They screwed up their exit earlier this month and are now stuck with a property they must continue to pay rent on, unoccupied. Meanwhile, the fallout continues at my workplace.

Now comes this: My job has been eliminated. Well...not eliminated. Re-defined. So much, in fact, that it warrants a new title. It expands my responsibilities and holds me accountable for more than I was previously.

New title and more responsibility = better pay, right? No, see, there you would be wrong. Not a single penny. Also, these changes were thrust upon me. There was no conference, discussion or anything of the sort. This was effective last week, but I only just found out about it today.

Now couple these things with the reality of the situation I'm in right now. Three weeks ago I was forced to cut back three quarters of my staff hours, laying off several valuable employees, revoking health insurance from several more as we couldn't keep them above the full-time threshold, and performing the job duties of four people at any given time. It's astonishing to me that I get as much done as I do, but my workdays have increased two hours every day. Now, expand my responsibilities and make me directly accountable for things I have been consistently blocked from doing (for instance, fixing the air conditioner). It's beyond unreasonable. If I accept the changes and the position, my next performance review is in the toilet and a pathway to being fired.

It's taking a major toll on me. I'm beat down, exhausted, and just don't feel well in a non-specific way. I just don't think I can do it much longer. And with the change of job title, I have an out. I'm eligible for unemployment if I leave my position voluntarily due to a substantial change of the position I hold. This qualifies. It's where this whole thing is heading anyway, and I won't be able to focus any kind of time on a job search until I'm out of there. It's a difficult choice, and it's one I will have to make soon, but there are so many layers and it's going to take time to consider them all.

Sigh.

options

Remarkably, I still have a job. It's been three weeks since the closure of Parkway, and the mood at my location has been gloomy at best. I've been talking to the HR department -- specifically my buddy with whom I have worked on many projects. Nothing coming from the corporate office gives us any kind of confidence that we're going to survive for any extended period of time (though we did receive a bit of correspondence, probably at my behest, saying "We support you guys. No, REALLY! We do!" Too little, too late.)

So I've been looking. And as I've written previously, I have a difficult time with knowing what I'd be good for. Add in that I don't want to just jump to a job because it's there (I COULD run a Family Dollar, but I'd be miserable in a matter of days)... But I did stumble on a position that is seemingly perfect for my abilities in NYC.  I promptly submitted a resume and a cover letter, and sent a follow-up note to their recruiting manager a few days later. The response (paraphrased):

"Thanks for reaching out! We're currently reviewing the submissions and will be contacting people for interviews soon. By the way, when are you moving back to New York?"

That last question threw me for a loop.  They are apparently interested enough to ask when I'm moving back. I responded back, saying the timeline is very flexible and dependent on landing a position, but I do have arrangements for temporary quarters while I get myself situated (read: hire me and I'm there when you need me... I have a few friends who owe me favors!).  I offered to fly up for an interview. And so we wait. Another day or two and I'll send up another follow-up.  I really want this job -- aside from the lovely benefit of moving back to NYC, it's a position I deeply believe I would be tremendously successful in. I'm trying to play my hand smartly -- persistent enough to be on their minds, without crossing over into desperation or harassment territory.  That's a delicate balance!  I'm confident that if I get an interview, I'll get the job.

My other prospects are pretty quiet.  There are plenty of positions I can do and be great at but getting past that first cut is difficult.  I have a great resume but there's only so much you can fit into one page. Plus, in these times, there's a lot of competition... there are plenty of people who are better qualified for the things I'm going out for, but they wouldn't necessarily be better at the job.  It's a catch-22.

All the while, I'm trying to stay balanced and get as much done at my current job as possible, knowing that tomorrow could be the day it all ends.  I'm eligible for unemployment, but that's only a luxury for about two days and a weekend.

Oh, and I have traffic court on Tuesday for getting hit by a truck. Unending joy.

make up your mind

Downloaded the cast recording to Next to Normal, a new Broadway show that's opening next week. Sounds...intriguing. I'd like to see it, somehow I don't think it's going to last.

There's this one song that seems like it's appropriate to my situation.  Of course, if you put it in context, it's absolutely not related at all. And it's all back and forth between two characters, but for all intents and purposes they could be the alternating thoughts in my own head once you take it out of context.

Make up your mind to explore yourself

Make up your mind you have stories to tell

We're searching your past

For what sorrows may last

Then make up your mind to be well

Make up your mind that you're strong enough

Make up your mind, let the truth be revealed

Admit what you've lost

And live with the cost

At times, it does hurt to be healed

Catch me, I'm falling...

Catch me, I'm falling...

Please hear me calling

Catch me, I'm falling for good

Make up your mind you want clarity

Take what you know and then make it make sense

Just face what you fear

And soon it comes clear

The visions are just your defense

Make  up your mind to get well at last

Make up your mind to be fully alive

Embrace it inside

Replace what has died

Then make up your mind you'll survive

Catch me I'm falling...

Catch me I'm falling...

Flying head first into fate

Catch me, I'm falling...

Please hear me calling

Catch me before it's too late

Make up your mind this is clarity

Clarity that you did not have before

The treatment is strong

But lasts only so long

Maybe your mind's needing more

Make up your mind that you'll try again

Make up your mind that there are moments of light

The one thing that's sure

Is that there is no cure

But that doesn't mean we don't fight!

Catch me, I'm falling

Sinking and sprawling

Maybe I let myself fall

Catch me, I'm falling

Maybe the falling

Isn't so bad after all

Make up your mind to be free

Watch me, I'm falling

Make up your mind to be free

Watch me, I'm flying

Make  up your mind to be free

And somehow surviving.

So I'm weighing my options and making a choice. And it's sooner than later.

marking my time

It's not often a gym closure makes the newspaper, but mine did:

AJC.com

I've spent most of my time on this blog redacting where I worked, but as I'm on borrowed time at this point... to hell with it.

The loudest rumors right now point to a closing notice posted on Monday.  Out of work by Thursday.  We'll see.

over

That's it.  It's all over.

On two days notice, the location I once ran was shut down. In the blink of an eye, I saw thirty people lose their jobs. Today was the last day.

I took advantage of the presence of corporate people in town whom I had a good rapport with to see where my current location stands.

A month, tops.

It's all over.  I went to the after-party tonight, in a restaurant across the plaza from where I spent three good years of my life.  During those three years I muddled through some of the most difficult challenges I've ever faced, and I always had that gym to go back to.  But not anymore.

It's not for lack of options at this point -- there's even an opportunity for me to transfer within the company -- go back to NYC. But without a relocation package, I'm skeptical.  I don't have confidence that job will still be there six months from now, and I'll be exactly where I was four years ago - on my ass and out of options. You might call that learning. I'll explore it, but I place no eggs in that basket unless I'm absolutely certain there's security, and that's a tough, tough sell.  Plus, I'm not convinced I want to work for a company that can cease operations at their locations with two days notice -- nor pay any severance out to the staff affected.  It's time to jump ship.

My local network was activated late last week when I first caught wind that stuff was going down.  So far there's one really great sounding opportunity that I'd like to pursue as soon as I get more information.  It may be three to six months away.  ABSOLUTELY worth the wait, but between now and then, unemployment and general hell. Who knows? I'm wandering back out into uncharted territory.  I've navigated similar waters before, but it's been a long, long time since I've had to do that, and I'm afraid I'm a little rusty.  And ultimately, I'm disappointed... because I spent nearly four years building up an unimpeachable reputation for an incomparable work ethic, impressive problem solving skills, and a real knack for the industry -- and I have to start over again from scratch. And it may be another four years before I get myself back into a comparable position.

I'd appreciate your positive vibes if you have a few to spare.