tough things to say out loud

I started this last week, but only just getting around to finishing it. Busy, busy! Excuse the dated references, so to speak...

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It's the waning hours of July 4th, a day where we all stop and acknowledge our appreciation of our country's history and freedoms by shooting off big zoomy things that fly up into the sky and go boom. Eat your heart out, Guy Fawkes!

In Atlanta, July 4th this year also marks the kickoff of Gay Pride weekend, a little late this time around thanks to the drought shutting down Piedmont Park. Pride is always an enjoyable time for me -- aside from the eye candy that flies in from all over the southeast, there's a wonderful sense of camaraderie and community that often lacks other times of the year.

The story that follows isn't the one a couple of my siblings tell -- theirs are embellished for effect, I think.

My being gay has never been a source of shame or angst for me. I was lucky to grow up in the times I did. During high school, Ellen came out on national TV, Tallahassee got its first gay bar, and the fall after my graduation, Will and Grace debuted on NBC.

I remember watching The Puppy Episode of Ellen (for the uninitiated, that's the coming out episode) in 1997 with my mother. After it was over, she said (more to herself than me, I think) "That takes such courage. Good for her." I was still on the journey of self-discovery (though pretty certain at that point) and hearing her say that eased any queasiness I may have had. A few months later, when I'd finally figured it out, I nonchalantly mentioned it to my parents at breakfast one day.

Unknown to me at the time, I apparently set off a private firestorm with my parents, who fretted and worried quietly. My dad talked to me a bit about it a few days later. I realized it wasn't easy for him to comprehend, so I put it the only way I knew how: "Why would I wake up one day and choose to be a social pariah? I know what I'm getting into, but I can't really help it."

And that was it, on my end. I didn't find it important to have a big coming out episode or announcement... if it happened to come up in the course of conversation, I didn't lie. But it was amusing to me how people would sometimes delicately dance around the topic but never outright ask.

Finally, my sister did over lunch at a Mexican restaurant. I'd asked her for advice on how to handle telling my parents I was moving to NYC. We chatted for a good long while about that, shifted gears a few times to other subjects, and then out of nowhere...

"By the way, are you gay?"

*pause*

"Uh...yes. Pass the nachos!"

And that was that. Word spread around the rest of the family, confirming that which they were already aware of. Some took more time to adjust than others. In my adult life, I've never once felt ashamed of who I am because of the love and acceptance my family and the gay community gave me. I own myself, and I'm proud of it.

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Recently, this all came right back into sharper focus. I finally had my moment. I understood what all that fear and apprehension that gets attached to coming out of the closet was all about. I learned something about myself that was terrifying and difficult. I couldn't come to terms with it by myself. I needed to talk.

It's the reason why I moved to a new blog space. Everything shifted for me at the end of November, 2007... but I haven't written it down in words for people to see. It's time, though. I have to take my ownership back.

I am HIV-positive.

I'm getting to be OK with that.

Own it, JR. Own it.